My mother used to dance in the kitchen singing a song called Dry Bones. “The leg bone connects to the thigh bone, the thigh bone connects to the hip bone, the hip bone connects to the….and that’s the way it goes!”
Connection means relationship whether we are connected at the hip or connected to where we buy our daily bread.
This shopping season, let's connect with our community by supporting smaller, family/individual owned shops. One of the biggest reasons people don’t visit local stores is the myth of big prices, small choice. For me, the main reason why I duck into a Big Box shop is that I claim I don’t have the time to visit a bunch of smaller retails rather than one big variety store.
On a recent foray for a watch battery, I put my time where my mouth is and stopped at Cayucos Pharmacy. In addition to my watch battery, I found a ½ price calendar, a bargain on the shampoo I use and a purple calculator for my purse. I carry it as a reminder that the benefits of buying local can’t always be tallied up in numbers. The afterglow of knowing that I gave my buying bucks to a neighborhood business was worth my effort.
The issue of how to maintain small town heart with big time progress is an important to all of us. As individuals we do have the power of choice. And choosing to be connected to what we purchase with our hard earned dollars is an empowering choice that we can’t afford to lose.
Monday, July 13, 2009
The Metaphor of Social Networks
The reason why Visioning® works (or not) has to do with our ability to trust intuition and metaphor. These are right brain processes. Once the collage is created, the next step is to consistently be with our vision each day. We need to journal our insights. We need to celebrate the steps to our dream.
Metaphor empowers us to participate in our lives. Being an aware and active participant is the difference between creative joy and being overwhelmed with tasks and to do lists.
Metaphor is the way to manage and put a container on our ‘doing’ energy. This brings balance and focus to everday tasks.
One area that is easy to feel overloaded is social networking and email correspondence. My friend and writing mentor, the novelist Anne Allen (her Blog is listed in the sidebar) and I were talking about our process for keeping up with our own writing projects, much less regular email, Tweets and Facebook. The metaphor that I bring to these virtual conversations is to act as if each social network is a real-time social setting.
Twitter
Tweeting is like voice mail from my friends. I don’t call or hear from my friends on a daily basis, but I do listen to messages at least once a day. So with Twitter, I’m either picking up my voice mail messages or leaving a voicemail message. This way, I can keep up with my friends and they can keep up with me in 140 characters or less.
If someone on my Twitter message board is leaving too many posts and clogging up my Inbox – I simply screen the calls. I do this by adding their website to my computer Bookmarks (in a Twitter folder) and stop following their posts. I don’t cut off the friendship. I’m just screening their calls until I have time to ‘call them back’ by going to their website.
Facebook
This is like having dinner with friends and family all at the same time. I tune into a conversation by clicking commenting or clicking on the posts. I can also delete specific news feeds from my Inbox without cutting off the friendship. Again, I can catch up by simply clicking on my friend’s photo and reading their posts. I love Facebook because it’s easy to stay in touch with, find old friends and have them find me. Plus – I have TONS of relatives. As my sister-in-law Kim pointed out, the Segovia clan et al will soon take over the world – if not Facebook.
Blogs & Email
Reading blogs and blogging is like visiting one on one. I can visit at my convenience. Usually I read several blog posts from each person in one sitting. This way, I can get into the topic and truly listen to my friend.
Email is for business, setting appointments and staying in touch with long distance friends. I am extremely organized with my email and generally do not have more than 10-15 items in my main email Inbox. I sort and respond to each email as quickly as possible. (Like many people, I have more than one email for specific purposes.)
If I didn’t have use metaphor of real time social settings for virtual conversations, then the technology would be using me rather than the other way around.
Remembering these metaphors creates an embodied computer experience. After all, these networks are for socializing and staying in touch – not for becoming overwhelmed. We are missing the point if we are in our heads and going numb at the computer. Going numb at the computer is like staying at the party toooo long. At some point, you’ve got to go home.
May all of your conversations be blessed,
Dorothy
Your comments on how you keep up with your virtual correspondence would be greatly appreciated!
Metaphor empowers us to participate in our lives. Being an aware and active participant is the difference between creative joy and being overwhelmed with tasks and to do lists.
Metaphor is the way to manage and put a container on our ‘doing’ energy. This brings balance and focus to everday tasks.
One area that is easy to feel overloaded is social networking and email correspondence. My friend and writing mentor, the novelist Anne Allen (her Blog is listed in the sidebar) and I were talking about our process for keeping up with our own writing projects, much less regular email, Tweets and Facebook. The metaphor that I bring to these virtual conversations is to act as if each social network is a real-time social setting.
Tweeting is like voice mail from my friends. I don’t call or hear from my friends on a daily basis, but I do listen to messages at least once a day. So with Twitter, I’m either picking up my voice mail messages or leaving a voicemail message. This way, I can keep up with my friends and they can keep up with me in 140 characters or less.
If someone on my Twitter message board is leaving too many posts and clogging up my Inbox – I simply screen the calls. I do this by adding their website to my computer Bookmarks (in a Twitter folder) and stop following their posts. I don’t cut off the friendship. I’m just screening their calls until I have time to ‘call them back’ by going to their website.
This is like having dinner with friends and family all at the same time. I tune into a conversation by clicking commenting or clicking on the posts. I can also delete specific news feeds from my Inbox without cutting off the friendship. Again, I can catch up by simply clicking on my friend’s photo and reading their posts. I love Facebook because it’s easy to stay in touch with, find old friends and have them find me. Plus – I have TONS of relatives. As my sister-in-law Kim pointed out, the Segovia clan et al will soon take over the world – if not Facebook.
Blogs & Email
Reading blogs and blogging is like visiting one on one. I can visit at my convenience. Usually I read several blog posts from each person in one sitting. This way, I can get into the topic and truly listen to my friend.
Email is for business, setting appointments and staying in touch with long distance friends. I am extremely organized with my email and generally do not have more than 10-15 items in my main email Inbox. I sort and respond to each email as quickly as possible. (Like many people, I have more than one email for specific purposes.)
If I didn’t have use metaphor of real time social settings for virtual conversations, then the technology would be using me rather than the other way around.
Remembering these metaphors creates an embodied computer experience. After all, these networks are for socializing and staying in touch – not for becoming overwhelmed. We are missing the point if we are in our heads and going numb at the computer. Going numb at the computer is like staying at the party toooo long. At some point, you’ve got to go home.
May all of your conversations be blessed,
Dorothy
Your comments on how you keep up with your virtual correspondence would be greatly appreciated!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Chihuha
Chihuha: (Chee-hoo-ha). Internal monkey minded critic energy that creates drama 24/7.
Chi: Vital energy that is held to animate the body internally; of central importance in some Eastern systems of medical treatment and of exercise or self-defense.
Huha: Reactionary fight or flight response to unreleased past trauma stored in the body; incessant future planning; controlling the ‘now’ with relentless yapping.
Use: I was hoping to enjoy the drive, but my Chihuha jumped into the passenger seat and yapped in my ear the entire way.
Chihuha
I thought I’d be home Wednesday, but gratefully, there was more editing work waiting in Cambria than I planned. Turns out, I drove home through Big Sur on Saturday. I jumped into the Honda with the idea stopping off at Ragged Point, but passed that in favor of my memory of Big Sur twenty years ago. Too bad for me, that the memory included a clear stretch of Highway 1 on a weekday morning. (It also includes being high in the passenger seat while someone else drove.)
I learned that the Coast Gallery no longer serves food. The Coast Gallery also doesn’t let the public use their facilities, never mind that I was the only public and wouldn’t have minded the climb up the stairs. But, strangely, I was too hungry to insist and the shitty sales guy behind the counter didn’t offer. He suggested Deetjan’s Big Sur Restaurant which unfortunately was closed: though the facilities were open.
Stomach growling, I drove past Nepenthe because of the crowds and headed for the memory of the Big Sur River Inn, which was also teeming with tourists. After the next few curves, I pulled over to the side of the mountain. Rather than taking a moment to gaze at the shimmering sea, I tore open the raisins that I had struggled with for most of the drive and plopped the box on my lap. Appetizers. I pulled back onto the highway and sped until the right turn onto Carmel’s Rio Road. There, I gunned it past the Chevron and parked badly into the first space I found.
The eventual beet salad was heavenly.
The hilarity of missing a fabulously leisurely drive was that instead of stopping to eat, I kept looking for a better restaurant. Originally, I wanted to receive the blessing of Highway 1 on a gorgeous day. Turns out, I drove quite a way listening to my Chihuha yap about a better restaurant; instead of listening to my body.
I had forgotten that to Chihuhas, it’s always better over there.
This road trip was several weeks after I created my Inner Family collage (Click to read the 1st in the Inner Family 3-part series from the archives.) When I came home, I was not surprised to see that the Critic and my symbolic reactions dominated a large area of collage. So, I did what any other Visionary would do: I reached up and yanked down the pictures I didn’t want. (Yes you can take images away from and add to your collage!)
Now, my Chihuha calmly sits on the lap of dog whisperer Cesar Milan. Cesar is the symbol of my Inner Protective Parent. If anyone can calm a Chihuha down, it’s Cesar.
May you enjoy long leisurely drives while your Chihuha snores in a far away kennel,
Dorothy
Please click COMMENT at the bottom of this blog and tell me what best describes your Inner Chihuha.
ALSO – Please take time to answer the Poll I reposted on Vision collages – (I had neglected to add a “no” response earlier) – so please vote!
Chi: Vital energy that is held to animate the body internally; of central importance in some Eastern systems of medical treatment and of exercise or self-defense.
Huha: Reactionary fight or flight response to unreleased past trauma stored in the body; incessant future planning; controlling the ‘now’ with relentless yapping.
Use: I was hoping to enjoy the drive, but my Chihuha jumped into the passenger seat and yapped in my ear the entire way.
Chihuha
I thought I’d be home Wednesday, but gratefully, there was more editing work waiting in Cambria than I planned. Turns out, I drove home through Big Sur on Saturday. I jumped into the Honda with the idea stopping off at Ragged Point, but passed that in favor of my memory of Big Sur twenty years ago. Too bad for me, that the memory included a clear stretch of Highway 1 on a weekday morning. (It also includes being high in the passenger seat while someone else drove.)
I learned that the Coast Gallery no longer serves food. The Coast Gallery also doesn’t let the public use their facilities, never mind that I was the only public and wouldn’t have minded the climb up the stairs. But, strangely, I was too hungry to insist and the shitty sales guy behind the counter didn’t offer. He suggested Deetjan’s Big Sur Restaurant which unfortunately was closed: though the facilities were open.
Stomach growling, I drove past Nepenthe because of the crowds and headed for the memory of the Big Sur River Inn, which was also teeming with tourists. After the next few curves, I pulled over to the side of the mountain. Rather than taking a moment to gaze at the shimmering sea, I tore open the raisins that I had struggled with for most of the drive and plopped the box on my lap. Appetizers. I pulled back onto the highway and sped until the right turn onto Carmel’s Rio Road. There, I gunned it past the Chevron and parked badly into the first space I found.
The eventual beet salad was heavenly.
The hilarity of missing a fabulously leisurely drive was that instead of stopping to eat, I kept looking for a better restaurant. Originally, I wanted to receive the blessing of Highway 1 on a gorgeous day. Turns out, I drove quite a way listening to my Chihuha yap about a better restaurant; instead of listening to my body.
I had forgotten that to Chihuhas, it’s always better over there.
This road trip was several weeks after I created my Inner Family collage (Click to read the 1st in the Inner Family 3-part series from the archives.) When I came home, I was not surprised to see that the Critic and my symbolic reactions dominated a large area of collage. So, I did what any other Visionary would do: I reached up and yanked down the pictures I didn’t want. (Yes you can take images away from and add to your collage!)
Now, my Chihuha calmly sits on the lap of dog whisperer Cesar Milan. Cesar is the symbol of my Inner Protective Parent. If anyone can calm a Chihuha down, it’s Cesar.
May you enjoy long leisurely drives while your Chihuha snores in a far away kennel,
Dorothy
Please click COMMENT at the bottom of this blog and tell me what best describes your Inner Chihuha.
ALSO – Please take time to answer the Poll I reposted on Vision collages – (I had neglected to add a “no” response earlier) – so please vote!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Out your Inner Coach Potato
The reason I love cable TV is because for half of my adult life I didn’t own a television. When I did, I barely had a VCR and trolled for movies at the local library. While this left me geekily behind the popular TV show times, it allowed me to murmur that popular disclaimer: “Yes, I own television, but only use it to watch movies.”
What’s that biblical saying? Be WITH television, but not OF television?
Now that my rent includes cable, I’m outing myself from the television closet. This column is devoted to my Top Ten Reasons why I love cable, television without cable – and other forms of TV technology.
10. Basketball season and the pre-requisite snacks. During the 80’s I got hooked on hating the Lakers. My neighbor Bill was a Lakers fan and since the other team needed a Montrose Avenue representative on their side, I naturally voted for the Portland Trailblazers. I even gave Bill a purple and yellow “Nerf” gecko that we named “Laker Lizard.” Our pre-game ritual was to flip the lizard to see how it landed, thereby predicting the winning team. I don’t live in Montrose, California, anymore, but I still love to hate the Lakers. My one salvation during a recent Laker win was the chow I picked up for myself and my pal Brian at El Rancho Marketplace in the Santa Ynez Valley. Whenever I get the chance, I head over Highway 154 and turn onto Highway 246 to stop in for a bite. The market was started in 1966 by Helmut Holzheu and is still a family owned business. The deli features all kinds of great grub and being in friendly store just feels decadent. Half a giant burrito with Brian’s homemade chips and “guac” made the Laker win a lot easier to swallow.
9. Damages. Catching up to the latest season of this FX series made me a www.hulu.com expert. Hulu features trailers and many episodes of popular television and cable shows. The episodes that weren’t on Hulu, I was able to download from Amazon. (I needed to keep up with the fabulously evil Glenn Close.)
8. The Chinese Backstreet Boys. When I heard about this gem, I had to get on You Tube. The short lip-synch to “That Way” is worth it - especially for the blooper scenes at the end. I have no idea why I love this video so much. Maybe ‘cause they’re wearing jerseys that say Houston.
7. What Not to Wear. I rang in 2009 with two cats, a parrot named Jeffrey and a What Not to Wear marathon. Though I don’t always agree with the outfits that Stacey and Clinton put together, I do dress better. AND I no longer live in terror that one of my friends has called the duo for a “Dorothy’s outfit” intervention.
6. Project Runaway. Though Heidi Klum’s repetitive, “you’re out,” does get tedious, I adore the creative designs. And watching the winner reach their dream is such a Hallmark moment. (I always sniffle along when design guru Tim Gunn bids the contestants adieu.) I got so excited about one season that I actually started writing a piece that teaches Inner Family dynamics based the contestant’s interactions. Stay tuned.
5. www.Netflix.com Instant viewing. Unlimited movies streamed to my laptop included in the price? Bring on the 2nd season of “Duchess of Duke Street.” The site remembers where you stopped the movie and reloads in the exact place – just in case your laptop spontaneously Shuts Down in the middle of your flick.
4. The Closer and Cold Case. For some reason, I only watch these shows while doing the late night thang during visits to Mom’s. I’m an expert at closing my eyes when the music signals that the grisly crime scene is happening. Kyra Sedgwick and her cop crew’s antics are hilarious, while Kathryn Morris as the lead the Cold Case detective is to die for.
3. Californiacation. The only thing I knew about David Duchovny was that he proposed to his former wife Tea Leoni while she was arranging her shoe closet. This Showtime hoot is about a one-hit writer who is punching his way through his 2nd novel. You gotta watch it to believe it.
2. www.Ted.com. Even if there is something on TV, this website is a fabulous option. Packed with 20-minute lectures and performances, this site was started in 1984: the letters stand for technology, entertainment and design. The lectures on the creative genius by “Eat, Pray, Love” author Elizabeth Gilbert as well as brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor’s talk almost put Ted at the top of my list.
1. Brothers and Sisters. As if listening to David’s snarky remarks isn’t delicious enough, watching the Walker family makes my drama feel as if I’m beating Kobe in a little game of one-on-one. Be sure to catch up on past seasons through Netflix or ABC’s website.
Come on now, be brave. Out your couch potato self and spill your favorite embarrassing show. Just click on the Comment Icon at the bottom this column. (I won’t tell a soul….)
May all your down time be as luscious as watching Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker,
Dorothy
What’s that biblical saying? Be WITH television, but not OF television?
Now that my rent includes cable, I’m outing myself from the television closet. This column is devoted to my Top Ten Reasons why I love cable, television without cable – and other forms of TV technology.
10. Basketball season and the pre-requisite snacks. During the 80’s I got hooked on hating the Lakers. My neighbor Bill was a Lakers fan and since the other team needed a Montrose Avenue representative on their side, I naturally voted for the Portland Trailblazers. I even gave Bill a purple and yellow “Nerf” gecko that we named “Laker Lizard.” Our pre-game ritual was to flip the lizard to see how it landed, thereby predicting the winning team. I don’t live in Montrose, California, anymore, but I still love to hate the Lakers. My one salvation during a recent Laker win was the chow I picked up for myself and my pal Brian at El Rancho Marketplace in the Santa Ynez Valley. Whenever I get the chance, I head over Highway 154 and turn onto Highway 246 to stop in for a bite. The market was started in 1966 by Helmut Holzheu and is still a family owned business. The deli features all kinds of great grub and being in friendly store just feels decadent. Half a giant burrito with Brian’s homemade chips and “guac” made the Laker win a lot easier to swallow.
9. Damages. Catching up to the latest season of this FX series made me a www.hulu.com expert. Hulu features trailers and many episodes of popular television and cable shows. The episodes that weren’t on Hulu, I was able to download from Amazon. (I needed to keep up with the fabulously evil Glenn Close.)
8. The Chinese Backstreet Boys. When I heard about this gem, I had to get on You Tube. The short lip-synch to “That Way” is worth it - especially for the blooper scenes at the end. I have no idea why I love this video so much. Maybe ‘cause they’re wearing jerseys that say Houston.
7. What Not to Wear. I rang in 2009 with two cats, a parrot named Jeffrey and a What Not to Wear marathon. Though I don’t always agree with the outfits that Stacey and Clinton put together, I do dress better. AND I no longer live in terror that one of my friends has called the duo for a “Dorothy’s outfit” intervention.
6. Project Runaway. Though Heidi Klum’s repetitive, “you’re out,” does get tedious, I adore the creative designs. And watching the winner reach their dream is such a Hallmark moment. (I always sniffle along when design guru Tim Gunn bids the contestants adieu.) I got so excited about one season that I actually started writing a piece that teaches Inner Family dynamics based the contestant’s interactions. Stay tuned.
5. www.Netflix.com Instant viewing. Unlimited movies streamed to my laptop included in the price? Bring on the 2nd season of “Duchess of Duke Street.” The site remembers where you stopped the movie and reloads in the exact place – just in case your laptop spontaneously Shuts Down in the middle of your flick.
4. The Closer and Cold Case. For some reason, I only watch these shows while doing the late night thang during visits to Mom’s. I’m an expert at closing my eyes when the music signals that the grisly crime scene is happening. Kyra Sedgwick and her cop crew’s antics are hilarious, while Kathryn Morris as the lead the Cold Case detective is to die for.
3. Californiacation. The only thing I knew about David Duchovny was that he proposed to his former wife Tea Leoni while she was arranging her shoe closet. This Showtime hoot is about a one-hit writer who is punching his way through his 2nd novel. You gotta watch it to believe it.
2. www.Ted.com. Even if there is something on TV, this website is a fabulous option. Packed with 20-minute lectures and performances, this site was started in 1984: the letters stand for technology, entertainment and design. The lectures on the creative genius by “Eat, Pray, Love” author Elizabeth Gilbert as well as brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor’s talk almost put Ted at the top of my list.
1. Brothers and Sisters. As if listening to David’s snarky remarks isn’t delicious enough, watching the Walker family makes my drama feel as if I’m beating Kobe in a little game of one-on-one. Be sure to catch up on past seasons through Netflix or ABC’s website.
Come on now, be brave. Out your couch potato self and spill your favorite embarrassing show. Just click on the Comment Icon at the bottom this column. (I won’t tell a soul….)
May all your down time be as luscious as watching Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker,
Dorothy
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Internal Improv - Inner Family Part 3
In the last two blog posts you learned about the Inner Family. Now what? This is where the real fun begins. These Inner Family dynamics are internal so that means we are the ones creating the story. Let’s take a look at the negative and positive side of this dynamic in daily relationship.
A very common role that is easy to identify with is the mother role. Years ago, I had a housemate who identified strongly with her mother role. We learned last blog that we are not our roles - these are only parts we play. In the same way we may be mothers, we are also daughters, sisters, employees, bosses, teachers, students.
When my housemate and I had communication problems, it was often over her unasked for motherly advice regarding my job, my outfit, or my hair. Oy!
After being told what to do, if I had a strong negative reaction, I’d go away and use the non-dominant hand journal technique. This was – for my eyes only. After the initial emotional charge I recognized four dynamics that seemed to be happening in the conflict between me and my housemate.
First, I realized that not standing up for my self after her comments meant that I was still living a past relationship dynamic.
Discovery number two was that her criticisms could be reflecting my internal expectations of being criticized.
The third discovery was the epiphany. “Well, if she is coming at me in her identified mother role, how can I stop reacting in a child role?”
The fourth dynamic is the worst-side of the above epiphany: ‘What if my identified-child role sends her into the mother role?”
OY!
Does it matter which story I choose? (Let me hear you shout No!)
What matters is that I’m examining my reactionary responses. It only takes one person to realize that they are reacting in order to change a relationship drama. Or as author Marianne Williamson often points out, it only takes one person in the relationship to pray.
Reacting is the operative word.
Reacting means the past. That is, yes her words were pushing buttons in my body’s cellular memory. That’s what pushing buttons means. The blame game tries to change the behavior of the other person. But the point of the game is to notice our reactionary buttons. Awareness is the way reaction transforms into empowerment.
Think of it like improvisational theatre. Imagine two actors on a stage. One actor silently begins acting like a bully. The opposite role of a bully is victim. All actor number one has to do is take on the body language of a bully and POW – actor number two automatically goes into the archetypical victim character. Nothing needs to be said because the first actors’ role is expressed through the body. That’s what makes improv so hilarious. That is, the audience instantly relates to the archetypical roles.
With time, attention and awareness, we can also learn to recognize the archetypal dramas that are being played out on our relationship stage.
Once we make a decision to stop habitual reactions, we can groove through the daily negotiations that can make life an emotional roller coaster. That is, once I realized I was resisting my housemate’s comments, I was able to take her instructions at face value. This enabled me to stand up for my self with clearly expressed boundaries. Negotiations in the present feel empowering and complete. Reacting from the past feels dramatic.
Now, a positive example of the internal improv game is this: I have several accomplished friends who are making a good living via their passion. Old reactionary feelings of jealousy often led to comparisons – which is Monkey Mind thinking. But empowerment means re-wording our internal story. Now I tell my self that my friend’s success is mirroring my own ability to be accomplished. These powerful friends wouldn’t be in my circle unless that aspect was in me as well.
Then I dance around the room singing “I’m a best-selling author, I’m a best-selling author.” Next, I take action by asking for advice or referrals to the information I need for my next step.
Another example of how to turn things around is when I recently played in the semi-finals for the songwriting contest. I half-joked to my friends that I was going to draw little mad faces of the judges because I didn’t win a spot in the finals. Not only did I nix the drawings, but I realized that I know Amanda West, an acquaintance who placed 2nd in last year’s finals. That means, with a little songwriting help from my new friend, I could try again in next years contest if I choose. Or not choose. Now that I’m making decisions based on the present instead of my emotional past, my dreams really are up to me.
May you and every role you play bring you joy,
Dorothy
PS:For specifics on the Inner Family dynamic,read Recovery of your Inner Child by Dr. Lucia Capacchione.
A very common role that is easy to identify with is the mother role. Years ago, I had a housemate who identified strongly with her mother role. We learned last blog that we are not our roles - these are only parts we play. In the same way we may be mothers, we are also daughters, sisters, employees, bosses, teachers, students.
When my housemate and I had communication problems, it was often over her unasked for motherly advice regarding my job, my outfit, or my hair. Oy!
After being told what to do, if I had a strong negative reaction, I’d go away and use the non-dominant hand journal technique. This was – for my eyes only. After the initial emotional charge I recognized four dynamics that seemed to be happening in the conflict between me and my housemate.
First, I realized that not standing up for my self after her comments meant that I was still living a past relationship dynamic.
Discovery number two was that her criticisms could be reflecting my internal expectations of being criticized.
The third discovery was the epiphany. “Well, if she is coming at me in her identified mother role, how can I stop reacting in a child role?”
The fourth dynamic is the worst-side of the above epiphany: ‘What if my identified-child role sends her into the mother role?”
OY!
Does it matter which story I choose? (Let me hear you shout No!)
What matters is that I’m examining my reactionary responses. It only takes one person to realize that they are reacting in order to change a relationship drama. Or as author Marianne Williamson often points out, it only takes one person in the relationship to pray.
Reacting is the operative word.
Reacting means the past. That is, yes her words were pushing buttons in my body’s cellular memory. That’s what pushing buttons means. The blame game tries to change the behavior of the other person. But the point of the game is to notice our reactionary buttons. Awareness is the way reaction transforms into empowerment.
Think of it like improvisational theatre. Imagine two actors on a stage. One actor silently begins acting like a bully. The opposite role of a bully is victim. All actor number one has to do is take on the body language of a bully and POW – actor number two automatically goes into the archetypical victim character. Nothing needs to be said because the first actors’ role is expressed through the body. That’s what makes improv so hilarious. That is, the audience instantly relates to the archetypical roles.
With time, attention and awareness, we can also learn to recognize the archetypal dramas that are being played out on our relationship stage.
Once we make a decision to stop habitual reactions, we can groove through the daily negotiations that can make life an emotional roller coaster. That is, once I realized I was resisting my housemate’s comments, I was able to take her instructions at face value. This enabled me to stand up for my self with clearly expressed boundaries. Negotiations in the present feel empowering and complete. Reacting from the past feels dramatic.
Now, a positive example of the internal improv game is this: I have several accomplished friends who are making a good living via their passion. Old reactionary feelings of jealousy often led to comparisons – which is Monkey Mind thinking. But empowerment means re-wording our internal story. Now I tell my self that my friend’s success is mirroring my own ability to be accomplished. These powerful friends wouldn’t be in my circle unless that aspect was in me as well.
Then I dance around the room singing “I’m a best-selling author, I’m a best-selling author.” Next, I take action by asking for advice or referrals to the information I need for my next step.
Another example of how to turn things around is when I recently played in the semi-finals for the songwriting contest. I half-joked to my friends that I was going to draw little mad faces of the judges because I didn’t win a spot in the finals. Not only did I nix the drawings, but I realized that I know Amanda West, an acquaintance who placed 2nd in last year’s finals. That means, with a little songwriting help from my new friend, I could try again in next years contest if I choose. Or not choose. Now that I’m making decisions based on the present instead of my emotional past, my dreams really are up to me.
May you and every role you play bring you joy,
Dorothy
PS:For specifics on the Inner Family dynamic,read Recovery of your Inner Child by Dr. Lucia Capacchione.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Meet the Parents - Inner Family Part 2
Last week I talked about the Inner Child and introduced the concept of an Inner Family. This blog – it’s time to meet the parents. If our emotions, intuition and body sensations are the Inner Child (IC), then the way to create safety with the IC is through the Inner Parents*. Inner Family work has four parents. A9ll of these parents are needed for every stage of raising an IC. These Inner Parents are the Protective Parent, Nurturing Parent, Critical Parent, and the Spiritual Parent. In addition, two crucial family members are the Observer and the Aware Ego. These two aspects set the parent roles into motion - instantly. If your life is out of balance in the areas of health, wealth, love, creativity and general happiness, then understanding how your internal Selves operate can remove the barriers to your dreams.
The Protective Parent
The Protective Parent is the part of us that sets boundaries both internally and externally. Internally, I use my Protective Parent when I drag my IC off the beach in order to get back to my desk. Externally, I am using this mode when I put my ‘boundary bag’ on my door when I don’t want to be disturbed. I also use Protective Parent mode when I am in a new social situation. When I’m with my friends, the childlike silly aspect of my Self is free to express because I know I am with trusted loved ones.
A Protective Parent that is out of balance results in sentences like these: “Those people are taking advantage of me!” “I dread going into work – my boss is going to throw a fit when he sees my sales numbers are down!” A balanced Protective Parent keeps our IC safe. These safety measures can take the form of making agreements with others, but we need to understand where the internal agreements break down first.
The Nurturing Parent
The Nurturing Parent is the part of us that cares for our health. When its time to eat, we stop and eat. We don’t try to finish just “one more thing” to the detriment of our body. We stop writing our blog in order to watch the final episode of Brothers and Sisters. If we need to relax after work – we take a bath or have tea and read. If we have an emotionally charged day, we give our selves quiet time rather than burying our feelings with too much alcohol, television, Internet or other repetitive patterns.
After auditioning for a musical in San Luis Obispo a few years back, I allowed myself cry and be sad when I didn’t make the cut. This is allowing was my nurturing aspect let the IC express. The feeling lasted just a few minutes. Years later, for my graduation Capstone class at Antioch, I performed an original musical medley as my final exam. (The DVD footage will not be uploaded.) If I had stuffed down the audition experience with phrases such as “Oh, it was meant to be” before feeling the disappointment – I wouldn’t have performed my ‘shuffle off to Buffalo’ routine. The reason? My unprocessed disappointment would have been stored in my body. Feeling disappointed at the time yielded the joy of being onstage in an original musical later.
The Spiritual Parent
The Spiritual Parent is the aspect of us that is our all knowing, grounded Self. It is connected to the Spiritual plane and knows that we are loved. The qualities are acceptance, patience, compassion and loving kindness. In the New Age movement, many people identify with this aspect. Or they judge this aspect as the better than the other parental modes. This is dangerous because hanging out in the ethereal realm creates an imbalance. That is, when its time to come to earth and do the work – there is a tendency to maintain the spiritual high through drugs or drama. The limitless quality of this parent does not allow for the reality of limits that the material world imposes.
The Spiritual Parent forgives a betrayal, while the IC feels the hurt, the nurturing aspect heals, and the protective aspect leaves these relationships behind - or insists on couples counseling! Rushing to forgiveness before processing the pain only buries the hurt in our cellular memory.
Journaling with the Spiritual Parent using the non-dominant hand technique (see January Blog) dispels the societal beliefs of “Daddy God coming in for the rescue.” Journaling with this parent gave me the clarity to take the action in plenty of situations. For instance, in a car accident I had in May of 2007, I called on the Spiritual Parent. After I realized I was not hurt, I closed my eyes and gave thanks. I remembered blessing the journey of insurance paperwork that greeted me. But when it came time to meet the other driver – my Protective Parent took care of business.
The Critical Parent
The Critical Parent is the one I have discussed the most in my blog postings because I have spent a lot of time either listening to its voice or resisting its voice - which energetically, is the same thing. Dr. Capacchione teaches that this parent is necessary in the same way that Inspector Clouseau wrestled with Kato in the Pink Panther movies. That is, he needed the surprise attack to keep his sleuthing skills sharp! If only my Critical Parent’s grousing were as hilarious as Peter Sellars movies. Actually, they can be – once you recognize the disguises this crafty parent uses.
In her book, The Energy of Money, Maria Nemeth calls the Critical Parent, Monkey Mind. Warning signals that we are making decisions from Monkey Mind are being vague, being defensive, taking things personally, making excuses, using either/or thinking – you get the point.
Two aspects of the Critical Parent are The Pusher and The Perfectionist. Both of these aspects are rampant in the Western work world.
You know me - I created a Visioning® collage of my Inner Family. In the Critical Parent section a woman is cringing under the photo of a skinny, persnickety cartoon man. This cartoon man represents the Critical Parent. Beneath the cartoon man is a little Buddha face laughing. Phew! Critical Parent techniques are in my April Blog.
The Observer and The Aware Ego
The Observer: Also on my collage is an image of Buddhist Monk sweeping. This is my Observer representative. But the Observer only observes and needs the directorial skills of the Aware Ego. My Aware Ego is represented by Cesar Milan and Chris Rock. These images remind me to ‘be aware of the energy I am emitting” and “the laughter behind my human drama.”
The Observer is the witness to the events in our life. It simply sees what is happening and reports on the facts. There is no emotional attachment. These reports are used by the Aware Ego, who is the internal director. The Aware Ego gets information from the Observer. Here is an example. The Observer tells the Aware Ego “Dorothy’s boss Susie is yelling again.” Nowhere in the Observers reporting does it mention any personalization. It’s just the facts, ma’m. The Aware Ego can now make a decision.
In this real life circumstance, I was aware of the Observer voice and realized that Susie was like a child throwing a tantrum. I simply let the tantrum happen, and then repeated back what I heard Susie wanted. Because I didn’t jump on the “Susie is yelling there must be something wrong with Susie, with me, with ____,” bandwagon, the situation diffused quickly. If I had tried to fix the situation instead, well, I’d still be standing there with a red faced Susie boss.
We know that the Aware Ego is asleep at the wheel when we go on vacations with our files from work or go to meet prospective clients wearing our swim trunks. The Aware Ego is the decider. It chooses which role is appropriate for which setting. Going to negotiate a contract? Better take the Protective Parent. Stymied by a major decision? Then spend some time journaling with your Spiritual Parent.
The important thing to realize is that we are not any of these roles. We are not our Inner Child. We are not the Aware Ego and we are not the Protective Parent. We are human beings, set on this planet to enjoy our incredible lives. Get to know your Inner Family and the roles they play. They are here to help you move through life’s situations with grace.
May you and your Inner Family celebrate your life!
Dorothy
Dot in Pacific Grove
PS:For specifics on the Inner Family dynamic,
read Recovery of your Inner Child by Dr. Lucia Capacchione.
The Protective Parent
The Protective Parent is the part of us that sets boundaries both internally and externally. Internally, I use my Protective Parent when I drag my IC off the beach in order to get back to my desk. Externally, I am using this mode when I put my ‘boundary bag’ on my door when I don’t want to be disturbed. I also use Protective Parent mode when I am in a new social situation. When I’m with my friends, the childlike silly aspect of my Self is free to express because I know I am with trusted loved ones.
A Protective Parent that is out of balance results in sentences like these: “Those people are taking advantage of me!” “I dread going into work – my boss is going to throw a fit when he sees my sales numbers are down!” A balanced Protective Parent keeps our IC safe. These safety measures can take the form of making agreements with others, but we need to understand where the internal agreements break down first.
The Nurturing Parent
The Nurturing Parent is the part of us that cares for our health. When its time to eat, we stop and eat. We don’t try to finish just “one more thing” to the detriment of our body. We stop writing our blog in order to watch the final episode of Brothers and Sisters. If we need to relax after work – we take a bath or have tea and read. If we have an emotionally charged day, we give our selves quiet time rather than burying our feelings with too much alcohol, television, Internet or other repetitive patterns.
After auditioning for a musical in San Luis Obispo a few years back, I allowed myself cry and be sad when I didn’t make the cut. This is allowing was my nurturing aspect let the IC express. The feeling lasted just a few minutes. Years later, for my graduation Capstone class at Antioch, I performed an original musical medley as my final exam. (The DVD footage will not be uploaded.) If I had stuffed down the audition experience with phrases such as “Oh, it was meant to be” before feeling the disappointment – I wouldn’t have performed my ‘shuffle off to Buffalo’ routine. The reason? My unprocessed disappointment would have been stored in my body. Feeling disappointed at the time yielded the joy of being onstage in an original musical later.
The Spiritual Parent
The Spiritual Parent is the aspect of us that is our all knowing, grounded Self. It is connected to the Spiritual plane and knows that we are loved. The qualities are acceptance, patience, compassion and loving kindness. In the New Age movement, many people identify with this aspect. Or they judge this aspect as the better than the other parental modes. This is dangerous because hanging out in the ethereal realm creates an imbalance. That is, when its time to come to earth and do the work – there is a tendency to maintain the spiritual high through drugs or drama. The limitless quality of this parent does not allow for the reality of limits that the material world imposes.
The Spiritual Parent forgives a betrayal, while the IC feels the hurt, the nurturing aspect heals, and the protective aspect leaves these relationships behind - or insists on couples counseling! Rushing to forgiveness before processing the pain only buries the hurt in our cellular memory.
Journaling with the Spiritual Parent using the non-dominant hand technique (see January Blog) dispels the societal beliefs of “Daddy God coming in for the rescue.” Journaling with this parent gave me the clarity to take the action in plenty of situations. For instance, in a car accident I had in May of 2007, I called on the Spiritual Parent. After I realized I was not hurt, I closed my eyes and gave thanks. I remembered blessing the journey of insurance paperwork that greeted me. But when it came time to meet the other driver – my Protective Parent took care of business.
The Critical Parent
The Critical Parent is the one I have discussed the most in my blog postings because I have spent a lot of time either listening to its voice or resisting its voice - which energetically, is the same thing. Dr. Capacchione teaches that this parent is necessary in the same way that Inspector Clouseau wrestled with Kato in the Pink Panther movies. That is, he needed the surprise attack to keep his sleuthing skills sharp! If only my Critical Parent’s grousing were as hilarious as Peter Sellars movies. Actually, they can be – once you recognize the disguises this crafty parent uses.
In her book, The Energy of Money, Maria Nemeth calls the Critical Parent, Monkey Mind. Warning signals that we are making decisions from Monkey Mind are being vague, being defensive, taking things personally, making excuses, using either/or thinking – you get the point.
Two aspects of the Critical Parent are The Pusher and The Perfectionist. Both of these aspects are rampant in the Western work world.
You know me - I created a Visioning® collage of my Inner Family. In the Critical Parent section a woman is cringing under the photo of a skinny, persnickety cartoon man. This cartoon man represents the Critical Parent. Beneath the cartoon man is a little Buddha face laughing. Phew! Critical Parent techniques are in my April Blog.
The Observer and The Aware Ego
The Observer: Also on my collage is an image of Buddhist Monk sweeping. This is my Observer representative. But the Observer only observes and needs the directorial skills of the Aware Ego. My Aware Ego is represented by Cesar Milan and Chris Rock. These images remind me to ‘be aware of the energy I am emitting” and “the laughter behind my human drama.”
The Observer is the witness to the events in our life. It simply sees what is happening and reports on the facts. There is no emotional attachment. These reports are used by the Aware Ego, who is the internal director. The Aware Ego gets information from the Observer. Here is an example. The Observer tells the Aware Ego “Dorothy’s boss Susie is yelling again.” Nowhere in the Observers reporting does it mention any personalization. It’s just the facts, ma’m. The Aware Ego can now make a decision.
In this real life circumstance, I was aware of the Observer voice and realized that Susie was like a child throwing a tantrum. I simply let the tantrum happen, and then repeated back what I heard Susie wanted. Because I didn’t jump on the “Susie is yelling there must be something wrong with Susie, with me, with ____,” bandwagon, the situation diffused quickly. If I had tried to fix the situation instead, well, I’d still be standing there with a red faced Susie boss.
We know that the Aware Ego is asleep at the wheel when we go on vacations with our files from work or go to meet prospective clients wearing our swim trunks. The Aware Ego is the decider. It chooses which role is appropriate for which setting. Going to negotiate a contract? Better take the Protective Parent. Stymied by a major decision? Then spend some time journaling with your Spiritual Parent.
The important thing to realize is that we are not any of these roles. We are not our Inner Child. We are not the Aware Ego and we are not the Protective Parent. We are human beings, set on this planet to enjoy our incredible lives. Get to know your Inner Family and the roles they play. They are here to help you move through life’s situations with grace.
May you and your Inner Family celebrate your life!
Dorothy
Dot in Pacific Grove
PS:For specifics on the Inner Family dynamic,
read Recovery of your Inner Child by Dr. Lucia Capacchione.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Intro to Your Inner Family
I was raised in Disneyland, California. That means that I recognized fireflies in Maryland because of Pirates of the Caribbean and when I hear the phrase “Here we go!” I brace myself for Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. Each summer, the Arizona relatives would arrive and clutching our leftover ride coupons, we’d head back to Disneyland.
Although Disneyland meant the daytime rides and the evening fireworks – our mothers acted like, well mothers. They brought us kids home during the day for food and a break before heading back to the park. As I grew older, it was easy to tell which families had taken a break with the kids and which families had parents that were run by the kids.
Inner families are like that too. Everyone has heard of an Inner Child. Listening to our Inner Child simply means that we are in touch with and honor our emotions and body sensations. What a lot of people don’t know is that if we have an Inner Child, then we also have Inner Parents. These are called the Protective, Nurturing, Spiritual and Critical Parent*. All of these parents are here to take care of us. Not understanding this dynamic can lead to emotions run amok. Think about it – when is the last time you saw an adult throw a tantrum or have an emotional melt down?
When we are growing up, we learned to hide certain feelings that were taboo in our families. Any feeling can be taboo. Most common ones are boys don’t cry and girls can’t be mad. As children, when one of these taboo feelings becomes present, we develop coping strategies to stuff down the feeling. When we go to school, develop friendships, attend church, etc, we learn about more taboo feelings and thus, create new and creative coping strategies.
As children, these coping mechanisms kept us safe – that is, if we paid attention and stuffed down the feeling, we didn’t get in trouble. But a feeling is a unit of energy and unless it is seen, felt, accepted and released – the energy gets stored in our body. This energetic memory reactivates as we move in and out of situations that activate the taboo feeling. This is good news because the feeling is simply trying to be seen, felt, accepted and released. But because we have learned to JUDGE the feeling, instead of stopping to feel the pain – we numb the pain and the cycle begins again. This is why we find ourselves in the “same feeling place, different face” situations repeatedly.
The way out of emotional pain is through. It’s a process that I call Name- that is, Name your feelings, Accept your feelings, Move your feelings (through journaling or exercise) for Empowered choices.
We know where our inner child is running the show by looking at our life situations that are out of balance. For example, I’ve discovered that sometimes my inner kid has stolen the checkbook. So, when I took the morning to go shopping in downtown Santa Cruz, I set my limits by carrying the cash I wanted to spend and had fruit, water and tea in the car – thereby saving more mula for fun stuff. As I was shopping, I noticed that I wanted to buy gifts for others and that I had a big ‘SHOULD’ voice following me around telling me what I should buy and what I really needed.
“Uh, huh, thanks for sharing!”
The amount of money I spent was not as important as simply spending time enjoying kicking around downtown. Now I’m writing this blog wearing my new turquoise shell dangle earrings and am relishing reading my book of essays by Richard Rodriquez that I gleaned from Bookshop Santa Cruz’s sale bin. When I don’t take energy (in time or money) to spend time playing daily and going out for fun weekly – then I chance rebellious, unconscious spending later.
Listening to your feelings, body messages and intuition are paramount to our happiness. But all good parents need to use discretion. Boundaries mean that you are honoring your whole self. Boundaries keep you safe so you can enjoy life’s lovely ride.
May you skip safely and happily through this delicious day,
Dorothy
Read my December blog and for the process of using Visioning® to ground stuck feelings and my January blog to help identify feelings using collage.
*The Inner Family theory is based on Recovery of Your Inner Child by Dr. Lucia Capacchione, who founded of the Creative Journal Expressive Arts training with Dr. Marsha Nelson of Mission, Texas. Buy a copy of the book here too.
Read my article about El Rocio Retreat – the center where Lucia’s new students are trained. For more photos and events listing visit: http://www.elrocioretreat.com/.
Although Disneyland meant the daytime rides and the evening fireworks – our mothers acted like, well mothers. They brought us kids home during the day for food and a break before heading back to the park. As I grew older, it was easy to tell which families had taken a break with the kids and which families had parents that were run by the kids.
Inner families are like that too. Everyone has heard of an Inner Child. Listening to our Inner Child simply means that we are in touch with and honor our emotions and body sensations. What a lot of people don’t know is that if we have an Inner Child, then we also have Inner Parents. These are called the Protective, Nurturing, Spiritual and Critical Parent*. All of these parents are here to take care of us. Not understanding this dynamic can lead to emotions run amok. Think about it – when is the last time you saw an adult throw a tantrum or have an emotional melt down?
When we are growing up, we learned to hide certain feelings that were taboo in our families. Any feeling can be taboo. Most common ones are boys don’t cry and girls can’t be mad. As children, when one of these taboo feelings becomes present, we develop coping strategies to stuff down the feeling. When we go to school, develop friendships, attend church, etc, we learn about more taboo feelings and thus, create new and creative coping strategies.
As children, these coping mechanisms kept us safe – that is, if we paid attention and stuffed down the feeling, we didn’t get in trouble. But a feeling is a unit of energy and unless it is seen, felt, accepted and released – the energy gets stored in our body. This energetic memory reactivates as we move in and out of situations that activate the taboo feeling. This is good news because the feeling is simply trying to be seen, felt, accepted and released. But because we have learned to JUDGE the feeling, instead of stopping to feel the pain – we numb the pain and the cycle begins again. This is why we find ourselves in the “same feeling place, different face” situations repeatedly.
The way out of emotional pain is through. It’s a process that I call Name- that is, Name your feelings, Accept your feelings, Move your feelings (through journaling or exercise) for Empowered choices.
We know where our inner child is running the show by looking at our life situations that are out of balance. For example, I’ve discovered that sometimes my inner kid has stolen the checkbook. So, when I took the morning to go shopping in downtown Santa Cruz, I set my limits by carrying the cash I wanted to spend and had fruit, water and tea in the car – thereby saving more mula for fun stuff. As I was shopping, I noticed that I wanted to buy gifts for others and that I had a big ‘SHOULD’ voice following me around telling me what I should buy and what I really needed.
“Uh, huh, thanks for sharing!”
The amount of money I spent was not as important as simply spending time enjoying kicking around downtown. Now I’m writing this blog wearing my new turquoise shell dangle earrings and am relishing reading my book of essays by Richard Rodriquez that I gleaned from Bookshop Santa Cruz’s sale bin. When I don’t take energy (in time or money) to spend time playing daily and going out for fun weekly – then I chance rebellious, unconscious spending later.
Listening to your feelings, body messages and intuition are paramount to our happiness. But all good parents need to use discretion. Boundaries mean that you are honoring your whole self. Boundaries keep you safe so you can enjoy life’s lovely ride.
May you skip safely and happily through this delicious day,
Dorothy
Read my December blog and for the process of using Visioning® to ground stuck feelings and my January blog to help identify feelings using collage.
*The Inner Family theory is based on Recovery of Your Inner Child by Dr. Lucia Capacchione, who founded of the Creative Journal Expressive Arts training with Dr. Marsha Nelson of Mission, Texas. Buy a copy of the book here too.
Read my article about El Rocio Retreat – the center where Lucia’s new students are trained. For more photos and events listing visit: http://www.elrocioretreat.com/.
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