In the last two blog posts you learned about the Inner Family. Now what? This is where the real fun begins. These Inner Family dynamics are internal so that means we are the ones creating the story. Let’s take a look at the negative and positive side of this dynamic in daily relationship.
A very common role that is easy to identify with is the mother role. Years ago, I had a housemate who identified strongly with her mother role. We learned last blog that we are not our roles - these are only parts we play. In the same way we may be mothers, we are also daughters, sisters, employees, bosses, teachers, students.
When my housemate and I had communication problems, it was often over her unasked for motherly advice regarding my job, my outfit, or my hair. Oy!
After being told what to do, if I had a strong negative reaction, I’d go away and use the non-dominant hand journal technique. This was – for my eyes only. After the initial emotional charge I recognized four dynamics that seemed to be happening in the conflict between me and my housemate.
First, I realized that not standing up for my self after her comments meant that I was still living a past relationship dynamic.
Discovery number two was that her criticisms could be reflecting my internal expectations of being criticized.
The third discovery was the epiphany. “Well, if she is coming at me in her identified mother role, how can I stop reacting in a child role?”
The fourth dynamic is the worst-side of the above epiphany: ‘What if my identified-child role sends her into the mother role?”
OY!
Does it matter which story I choose? (Let me hear you shout No!)
What matters is that I’m examining my reactionary responses. It only takes one person to realize that they are reacting in order to change a relationship drama. Or as author Marianne Williamson often points out, it only takes one person in the relationship to pray.
Reacting is the operative word.
Reacting means the past. That is, yes her words were pushing buttons in my body’s cellular memory. That’s what pushing buttons means. The blame game tries to change the behavior of the other person. But the point of the game is to notice our reactionary buttons. Awareness is the way reaction transforms into empowerment.
Think of it like improvisational theatre. Imagine two actors on a stage. One actor silently begins acting like a bully. The opposite role of a bully is victim. All actor number one has to do is take on the body language of a bully and POW – actor number two automatically goes into the archetypical victim character. Nothing needs to be said because the first actors’ role is expressed through the body. That’s what makes improv so hilarious. That is, the audience instantly relates to the archetypical roles.
With time, attention and awareness, we can also learn to recognize the archetypal dramas that are being played out on our relationship stage.
Once we make a decision to stop habitual reactions, we can groove through the daily negotiations that can make life an emotional roller coaster. That is, once I realized I was resisting my housemate’s comments, I was able to take her instructions at face value. This enabled me to stand up for my self with clearly expressed boundaries. Negotiations in the present feel empowering and complete. Reacting from the past feels dramatic.
Now, a positive example of the internal improv game is this: I have several accomplished friends who are making a good living via their passion. Old reactionary feelings of jealousy often led to comparisons – which is Monkey Mind thinking. But empowerment means re-wording our internal story. Now I tell my self that my friend’s success is mirroring my own ability to be accomplished. These powerful friends wouldn’t be in my circle unless that aspect was in me as well.
Then I dance around the room singing “I’m a best-selling author, I’m a best-selling author.” Next, I take action by asking for advice or referrals to the information I need for my next step.
Another example of how to turn things around is when I recently played in the semi-finals for the songwriting contest. I half-joked to my friends that I was going to draw little mad faces of the judges because I didn’t win a spot in the finals. Not only did I nix the drawings, but I realized that I know Amanda West, an acquaintance who placed 2nd in last year’s finals. That means, with a little songwriting help from my new friend, I could try again in next years contest if I choose. Or not choose. Now that I’m making decisions based on the present instead of my emotional past, my dreams really are up to me.
May you and every role you play bring you joy,
Dorothy
PS:For specifics on the Inner Family dynamic,read Recovery of your Inner Child by Dr. Lucia Capacchione.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Meet the Parents - Inner Family Part 2
Last week I talked about the Inner Child and introduced the concept of an Inner Family. This blog – it’s time to meet the parents. If our emotions, intuition and body sensations are the Inner Child (IC), then the way to create safety with the IC is through the Inner Parents*. Inner Family work has four parents. A9ll of these parents are needed for every stage of raising an IC. These Inner Parents are the Protective Parent, Nurturing Parent, Critical Parent, and the Spiritual Parent. In addition, two crucial family members are the Observer and the Aware Ego. These two aspects set the parent roles into motion - instantly. If your life is out of balance in the areas of health, wealth, love, creativity and general happiness, then understanding how your internal Selves operate can remove the barriers to your dreams.
The Protective Parent
The Protective Parent is the part of us that sets boundaries both internally and externally. Internally, I use my Protective Parent when I drag my IC off the beach in order to get back to my desk. Externally, I am using this mode when I put my ‘boundary bag’ on my door when I don’t want to be disturbed. I also use Protective Parent mode when I am in a new social situation. When I’m with my friends, the childlike silly aspect of my Self is free to express because I know I am with trusted loved ones.
A Protective Parent that is out of balance results in sentences like these: “Those people are taking advantage of me!” “I dread going into work – my boss is going to throw a fit when he sees my sales numbers are down!” A balanced Protective Parent keeps our IC safe. These safety measures can take the form of making agreements with others, but we need to understand where the internal agreements break down first.
The Nurturing Parent
The Nurturing Parent is the part of us that cares for our health. When its time to eat, we stop and eat. We don’t try to finish just “one more thing” to the detriment of our body. We stop writing our blog in order to watch the final episode of Brothers and Sisters. If we need to relax after work – we take a bath or have tea and read. If we have an emotionally charged day, we give our selves quiet time rather than burying our feelings with too much alcohol, television, Internet or other repetitive patterns.
After auditioning for a musical in San Luis Obispo a few years back, I allowed myself cry and be sad when I didn’t make the cut. This is allowing was my nurturing aspect let the IC express. The feeling lasted just a few minutes. Years later, for my graduation Capstone class at Antioch, I performed an original musical medley as my final exam. (The DVD footage will not be uploaded.) If I had stuffed down the audition experience with phrases such as “Oh, it was meant to be” before feeling the disappointment – I wouldn’t have performed my ‘shuffle off to Buffalo’ routine. The reason? My unprocessed disappointment would have been stored in my body. Feeling disappointed at the time yielded the joy of being onstage in an original musical later.
The Spiritual Parent
The Spiritual Parent is the aspect of us that is our all knowing, grounded Self. It is connected to the Spiritual plane and knows that we are loved. The qualities are acceptance, patience, compassion and loving kindness. In the New Age movement, many people identify with this aspect. Or they judge this aspect as the better than the other parental modes. This is dangerous because hanging out in the ethereal realm creates an imbalance. That is, when its time to come to earth and do the work – there is a tendency to maintain the spiritual high through drugs or drama. The limitless quality of this parent does not allow for the reality of limits that the material world imposes.
The Spiritual Parent forgives a betrayal, while the IC feels the hurt, the nurturing aspect heals, and the protective aspect leaves these relationships behind - or insists on couples counseling! Rushing to forgiveness before processing the pain only buries the hurt in our cellular memory.
Journaling with the Spiritual Parent using the non-dominant hand technique (see January Blog) dispels the societal beliefs of “Daddy God coming in for the rescue.” Journaling with this parent gave me the clarity to take the action in plenty of situations. For instance, in a car accident I had in May of 2007, I called on the Spiritual Parent. After I realized I was not hurt, I closed my eyes and gave thanks. I remembered blessing the journey of insurance paperwork that greeted me. But when it came time to meet the other driver – my Protective Parent took care of business.
The Critical Parent
The Critical Parent is the one I have discussed the most in my blog postings because I have spent a lot of time either listening to its voice or resisting its voice - which energetically, is the same thing. Dr. Capacchione teaches that this parent is necessary in the same way that Inspector Clouseau wrestled with Kato in the Pink Panther movies. That is, he needed the surprise attack to keep his sleuthing skills sharp! If only my Critical Parent’s grousing were as hilarious as Peter Sellars movies. Actually, they can be – once you recognize the disguises this crafty parent uses.
In her book, The Energy of Money, Maria Nemeth calls the Critical Parent, Monkey Mind. Warning signals that we are making decisions from Monkey Mind are being vague, being defensive, taking things personally, making excuses, using either/or thinking – you get the point.
Two aspects of the Critical Parent are The Pusher and The Perfectionist. Both of these aspects are rampant in the Western work world.
You know me - I created a Visioning® collage of my Inner Family. In the Critical Parent section a woman is cringing under the photo of a skinny, persnickety cartoon man. This cartoon man represents the Critical Parent. Beneath the cartoon man is a little Buddha face laughing. Phew! Critical Parent techniques are in my April Blog.
The Observer and The Aware Ego
The Observer: Also on my collage is an image of Buddhist Monk sweeping. This is my Observer representative. But the Observer only observes and needs the directorial skills of the Aware Ego. My Aware Ego is represented by Cesar Milan and Chris Rock. These images remind me to ‘be aware of the energy I am emitting” and “the laughter behind my human drama.”
The Observer is the witness to the events in our life. It simply sees what is happening and reports on the facts. There is no emotional attachment. These reports are used by the Aware Ego, who is the internal director. The Aware Ego gets information from the Observer. Here is an example. The Observer tells the Aware Ego “Dorothy’s boss Susie is yelling again.” Nowhere in the Observers reporting does it mention any personalization. It’s just the facts, ma’m. The Aware Ego can now make a decision.
In this real life circumstance, I was aware of the Observer voice and realized that Susie was like a child throwing a tantrum. I simply let the tantrum happen, and then repeated back what I heard Susie wanted. Because I didn’t jump on the “Susie is yelling there must be something wrong with Susie, with me, with ____,” bandwagon, the situation diffused quickly. If I had tried to fix the situation instead, well, I’d still be standing there with a red faced Susie boss.
We know that the Aware Ego is asleep at the wheel when we go on vacations with our files from work or go to meet prospective clients wearing our swim trunks. The Aware Ego is the decider. It chooses which role is appropriate for which setting. Going to negotiate a contract? Better take the Protective Parent. Stymied by a major decision? Then spend some time journaling with your Spiritual Parent.
The important thing to realize is that we are not any of these roles. We are not our Inner Child. We are not the Aware Ego and we are not the Protective Parent. We are human beings, set on this planet to enjoy our incredible lives. Get to know your Inner Family and the roles they play. They are here to help you move through life’s situations with grace.
May you and your Inner Family celebrate your life!
Dorothy
Dot in Pacific Grove
PS:For specifics on the Inner Family dynamic,
read Recovery of your Inner Child by Dr. Lucia Capacchione.
The Protective Parent
The Protective Parent is the part of us that sets boundaries both internally and externally. Internally, I use my Protective Parent when I drag my IC off the beach in order to get back to my desk. Externally, I am using this mode when I put my ‘boundary bag’ on my door when I don’t want to be disturbed. I also use Protective Parent mode when I am in a new social situation. When I’m with my friends, the childlike silly aspect of my Self is free to express because I know I am with trusted loved ones.
A Protective Parent that is out of balance results in sentences like these: “Those people are taking advantage of me!” “I dread going into work – my boss is going to throw a fit when he sees my sales numbers are down!” A balanced Protective Parent keeps our IC safe. These safety measures can take the form of making agreements with others, but we need to understand where the internal agreements break down first.
The Nurturing Parent
The Nurturing Parent is the part of us that cares for our health. When its time to eat, we stop and eat. We don’t try to finish just “one more thing” to the detriment of our body. We stop writing our blog in order to watch the final episode of Brothers and Sisters. If we need to relax after work – we take a bath or have tea and read. If we have an emotionally charged day, we give our selves quiet time rather than burying our feelings with too much alcohol, television, Internet or other repetitive patterns.
After auditioning for a musical in San Luis Obispo a few years back, I allowed myself cry and be sad when I didn’t make the cut. This is allowing was my nurturing aspect let the IC express. The feeling lasted just a few minutes. Years later, for my graduation Capstone class at Antioch, I performed an original musical medley as my final exam. (The DVD footage will not be uploaded.) If I had stuffed down the audition experience with phrases such as “Oh, it was meant to be” before feeling the disappointment – I wouldn’t have performed my ‘shuffle off to Buffalo’ routine. The reason? My unprocessed disappointment would have been stored in my body. Feeling disappointed at the time yielded the joy of being onstage in an original musical later.
The Spiritual Parent
The Spiritual Parent is the aspect of us that is our all knowing, grounded Self. It is connected to the Spiritual plane and knows that we are loved. The qualities are acceptance, patience, compassion and loving kindness. In the New Age movement, many people identify with this aspect. Or they judge this aspect as the better than the other parental modes. This is dangerous because hanging out in the ethereal realm creates an imbalance. That is, when its time to come to earth and do the work – there is a tendency to maintain the spiritual high through drugs or drama. The limitless quality of this parent does not allow for the reality of limits that the material world imposes.
The Spiritual Parent forgives a betrayal, while the IC feels the hurt, the nurturing aspect heals, and the protective aspect leaves these relationships behind - or insists on couples counseling! Rushing to forgiveness before processing the pain only buries the hurt in our cellular memory.
Journaling with the Spiritual Parent using the non-dominant hand technique (see January Blog) dispels the societal beliefs of “Daddy God coming in for the rescue.” Journaling with this parent gave me the clarity to take the action in plenty of situations. For instance, in a car accident I had in May of 2007, I called on the Spiritual Parent. After I realized I was not hurt, I closed my eyes and gave thanks. I remembered blessing the journey of insurance paperwork that greeted me. But when it came time to meet the other driver – my Protective Parent took care of business.
The Critical Parent
The Critical Parent is the one I have discussed the most in my blog postings because I have spent a lot of time either listening to its voice or resisting its voice - which energetically, is the same thing. Dr. Capacchione teaches that this parent is necessary in the same way that Inspector Clouseau wrestled with Kato in the Pink Panther movies. That is, he needed the surprise attack to keep his sleuthing skills sharp! If only my Critical Parent’s grousing were as hilarious as Peter Sellars movies. Actually, they can be – once you recognize the disguises this crafty parent uses.
In her book, The Energy of Money, Maria Nemeth calls the Critical Parent, Monkey Mind. Warning signals that we are making decisions from Monkey Mind are being vague, being defensive, taking things personally, making excuses, using either/or thinking – you get the point.
Two aspects of the Critical Parent are The Pusher and The Perfectionist. Both of these aspects are rampant in the Western work world.
You know me - I created a Visioning® collage of my Inner Family. In the Critical Parent section a woman is cringing under the photo of a skinny, persnickety cartoon man. This cartoon man represents the Critical Parent. Beneath the cartoon man is a little Buddha face laughing. Phew! Critical Parent techniques are in my April Blog.
The Observer and The Aware Ego
The Observer: Also on my collage is an image of Buddhist Monk sweeping. This is my Observer representative. But the Observer only observes and needs the directorial skills of the Aware Ego. My Aware Ego is represented by Cesar Milan and Chris Rock. These images remind me to ‘be aware of the energy I am emitting” and “the laughter behind my human drama.”
The Observer is the witness to the events in our life. It simply sees what is happening and reports on the facts. There is no emotional attachment. These reports are used by the Aware Ego, who is the internal director. The Aware Ego gets information from the Observer. Here is an example. The Observer tells the Aware Ego “Dorothy’s boss Susie is yelling again.” Nowhere in the Observers reporting does it mention any personalization. It’s just the facts, ma’m. The Aware Ego can now make a decision.
In this real life circumstance, I was aware of the Observer voice and realized that Susie was like a child throwing a tantrum. I simply let the tantrum happen, and then repeated back what I heard Susie wanted. Because I didn’t jump on the “Susie is yelling there must be something wrong with Susie, with me, with ____,” bandwagon, the situation diffused quickly. If I had tried to fix the situation instead, well, I’d still be standing there with a red faced Susie boss.
We know that the Aware Ego is asleep at the wheel when we go on vacations with our files from work or go to meet prospective clients wearing our swim trunks. The Aware Ego is the decider. It chooses which role is appropriate for which setting. Going to negotiate a contract? Better take the Protective Parent. Stymied by a major decision? Then spend some time journaling with your Spiritual Parent.
The important thing to realize is that we are not any of these roles. We are not our Inner Child. We are not the Aware Ego and we are not the Protective Parent. We are human beings, set on this planet to enjoy our incredible lives. Get to know your Inner Family and the roles they play. They are here to help you move through life’s situations with grace.
May you and your Inner Family celebrate your life!
Dorothy
Dot in Pacific Grove
PS:For specifics on the Inner Family dynamic,
read Recovery of your Inner Child by Dr. Lucia Capacchione.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Intro to Your Inner Family
I was raised in Disneyland, California. That means that I recognized fireflies in Maryland because of Pirates of the Caribbean and when I hear the phrase “Here we go!” I brace myself for Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. Each summer, the Arizona relatives would arrive and clutching our leftover ride coupons, we’d head back to Disneyland.
Although Disneyland meant the daytime rides and the evening fireworks – our mothers acted like, well mothers. They brought us kids home during the day for food and a break before heading back to the park. As I grew older, it was easy to tell which families had taken a break with the kids and which families had parents that were run by the kids.
Inner families are like that too. Everyone has heard of an Inner Child. Listening to our Inner Child simply means that we are in touch with and honor our emotions and body sensations. What a lot of people don’t know is that if we have an Inner Child, then we also have Inner Parents. These are called the Protective, Nurturing, Spiritual and Critical Parent*. All of these parents are here to take care of us. Not understanding this dynamic can lead to emotions run amok. Think about it – when is the last time you saw an adult throw a tantrum or have an emotional melt down?
When we are growing up, we learned to hide certain feelings that were taboo in our families. Any feeling can be taboo. Most common ones are boys don’t cry and girls can’t be mad. As children, when one of these taboo feelings becomes present, we develop coping strategies to stuff down the feeling. When we go to school, develop friendships, attend church, etc, we learn about more taboo feelings and thus, create new and creative coping strategies.
As children, these coping mechanisms kept us safe – that is, if we paid attention and stuffed down the feeling, we didn’t get in trouble. But a feeling is a unit of energy and unless it is seen, felt, accepted and released – the energy gets stored in our body. This energetic memory reactivates as we move in and out of situations that activate the taboo feeling. This is good news because the feeling is simply trying to be seen, felt, accepted and released. But because we have learned to JUDGE the feeling, instead of stopping to feel the pain – we numb the pain and the cycle begins again. This is why we find ourselves in the “same feeling place, different face” situations repeatedly.
The way out of emotional pain is through. It’s a process that I call Name- that is, Name your feelings, Accept your feelings, Move your feelings (through journaling or exercise) for Empowered choices.
We know where our inner child is running the show by looking at our life situations that are out of balance. For example, I’ve discovered that sometimes my inner kid has stolen the checkbook. So, when I took the morning to go shopping in downtown Santa Cruz, I set my limits by carrying the cash I wanted to spend and had fruit, water and tea in the car – thereby saving more mula for fun stuff. As I was shopping, I noticed that I wanted to buy gifts for others and that I had a big ‘SHOULD’ voice following me around telling me what I should buy and what I really needed.
“Uh, huh, thanks for sharing!”
The amount of money I spent was not as important as simply spending time enjoying kicking around downtown. Now I’m writing this blog wearing my new turquoise shell dangle earrings and am relishing reading my book of essays by Richard Rodriquez that I gleaned from Bookshop Santa Cruz’s sale bin. When I don’t take energy (in time or money) to spend time playing daily and going out for fun weekly – then I chance rebellious, unconscious spending later.
Listening to your feelings, body messages and intuition are paramount to our happiness. But all good parents need to use discretion. Boundaries mean that you are honoring your whole self. Boundaries keep you safe so you can enjoy life’s lovely ride.
May you skip safely and happily through this delicious day,
Dorothy
Read my December blog and for the process of using Visioning® to ground stuck feelings and my January blog to help identify feelings using collage.
*The Inner Family theory is based on Recovery of Your Inner Child by Dr. Lucia Capacchione, who founded of the Creative Journal Expressive Arts training with Dr. Marsha Nelson of Mission, Texas. Buy a copy of the book here too.
Read my article about El Rocio Retreat – the center where Lucia’s new students are trained. For more photos and events listing visit: http://www.elrocioretreat.com/.
Although Disneyland meant the daytime rides and the evening fireworks – our mothers acted like, well mothers. They brought us kids home during the day for food and a break before heading back to the park. As I grew older, it was easy to tell which families had taken a break with the kids and which families had parents that were run by the kids.
Inner families are like that too. Everyone has heard of an Inner Child. Listening to our Inner Child simply means that we are in touch with and honor our emotions and body sensations. What a lot of people don’t know is that if we have an Inner Child, then we also have Inner Parents. These are called the Protective, Nurturing, Spiritual and Critical Parent*. All of these parents are here to take care of us. Not understanding this dynamic can lead to emotions run amok. Think about it – when is the last time you saw an adult throw a tantrum or have an emotional melt down?
When we are growing up, we learned to hide certain feelings that were taboo in our families. Any feeling can be taboo. Most common ones are boys don’t cry and girls can’t be mad. As children, when one of these taboo feelings becomes present, we develop coping strategies to stuff down the feeling. When we go to school, develop friendships, attend church, etc, we learn about more taboo feelings and thus, create new and creative coping strategies.
As children, these coping mechanisms kept us safe – that is, if we paid attention and stuffed down the feeling, we didn’t get in trouble. But a feeling is a unit of energy and unless it is seen, felt, accepted and released – the energy gets stored in our body. This energetic memory reactivates as we move in and out of situations that activate the taboo feeling. This is good news because the feeling is simply trying to be seen, felt, accepted and released. But because we have learned to JUDGE the feeling, instead of stopping to feel the pain – we numb the pain and the cycle begins again. This is why we find ourselves in the “same feeling place, different face” situations repeatedly.
The way out of emotional pain is through. It’s a process that I call Name- that is, Name your feelings, Accept your feelings, Move your feelings (through journaling or exercise) for Empowered choices.
We know where our inner child is running the show by looking at our life situations that are out of balance. For example, I’ve discovered that sometimes my inner kid has stolen the checkbook. So, when I took the morning to go shopping in downtown Santa Cruz, I set my limits by carrying the cash I wanted to spend and had fruit, water and tea in the car – thereby saving more mula for fun stuff. As I was shopping, I noticed that I wanted to buy gifts for others and that I had a big ‘SHOULD’ voice following me around telling me what I should buy and what I really needed.
“Uh, huh, thanks for sharing!”
The amount of money I spent was not as important as simply spending time enjoying kicking around downtown. Now I’m writing this blog wearing my new turquoise shell dangle earrings and am relishing reading my book of essays by Richard Rodriquez that I gleaned from Bookshop Santa Cruz’s sale bin. When I don’t take energy (in time or money) to spend time playing daily and going out for fun weekly – then I chance rebellious, unconscious spending later.
Listening to your feelings, body messages and intuition are paramount to our happiness. But all good parents need to use discretion. Boundaries mean that you are honoring your whole self. Boundaries keep you safe so you can enjoy life’s lovely ride.
May you skip safely and happily through this delicious day,
Dorothy
Read my December blog and for the process of using Visioning® to ground stuck feelings and my January blog to help identify feelings using collage.
*The Inner Family theory is based on Recovery of Your Inner Child by Dr. Lucia Capacchione, who founded of the Creative Journal Expressive Arts training with Dr. Marsha Nelson of Mission, Texas. Buy a copy of the book here too.
Read my article about El Rocio Retreat – the center where Lucia’s new students are trained. For more photos and events listing visit: http://www.elrocioretreat.com/.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Visioning® Step Five: The Inner Critic
The reason that there are 10 steps in the Visioning® process is because our feelings are also a process. Not seeing the cycle leads us to the false belief that whatever we are feeling now will last forever. We want the good emotions to last and the bad to stop. The fact that we hang our societal hat on the HAPPY FOREVER peg is obvious when we watch television commercials. The internal advocate of this false advertising is known as The Inner Critic.
Corporate America dumps huge dollars annually on advertising. If advertising didn’t work – big business wouldn’t be paying the big bucks. Business owners count on you to sit through the commercials so that their message will be recalled the next time you make a shopping decision. Our Inner Critic works the same way.
Other names for the Critic are Monkey Mind or ego. In the Visioning® process, the Inner Critic comes at Step Five, the crucial step where all of the collage pieces are laid out but not glued down. Objectively listening to the Critic’s messages and gives us a chance to answer back.
Unfortunately, once out of the workshop environment, where you are supported in your Visioning® process, you forget to be objective to the critical voice – and then POW, your Vision has spontaneously combusted. The critic’s fear based, controlling messages create a slow leak of energy that siphons the juice out of your inspired dream.
This is why Visioning® manifestation seems so far away. When we first begin the Vision, we are in our large, expansive intuitive minds. That is what our collage is based on: the unlimited potential. But when chaos descends on our Vision like Zeus’s thunderbolt from the heavens then what’s a mortal to do?
Stop and feel the thunder.
If you don’t feel the chaotic thunder, then the sun can’t come out. It will stay in hiding for days until the thunderbolts of doubt are seen, felt, accepted and released. Once I told my friend Amy that I felt sad, but I hated having that feeling. She reminded me that when I’m happy, I don’t judge that feeling, so why is sad different? The difference is the powerful advertising from our Inner Critic.
Luckily, I am revisiting a collage created on the theme “Standing in My Own Space in This World” – that I also call Toilet Man because he reminds me to flush when the critic starts yapping. I used to think that this collage meant to stand up for myself only externally. But the most important place to stand up for ourselves is internally, so we can protect the dream that lives in our heart.
Corporate America dumps huge dollars annually on advertising. If advertising didn’t work – big business wouldn’t be paying the big bucks. Business owners count on you to sit through the commercials so that their message will be recalled the next time you make a shopping decision. Our Inner Critic works the same way.
Other names for the Critic are Monkey Mind or ego. In the Visioning® process, the Inner Critic comes at Step Five, the crucial step where all of the collage pieces are laid out but not glued down. Objectively listening to the Critic’s messages and gives us a chance to answer back.
Unfortunately, once out of the workshop environment, where you are supported in your Visioning® process, you forget to be objective to the critical voice – and then POW, your Vision has spontaneously combusted. The critic’s fear based, controlling messages create a slow leak of energy that siphons the juice out of your inspired dream.
This is why Visioning® manifestation seems so far away. When we first begin the Vision, we are in our large, expansive intuitive minds. That is what our collage is based on: the unlimited potential. But when chaos descends on our Vision like Zeus’s thunderbolt from the heavens then what’s a mortal to do?
Stop and feel the thunder.
If you don’t feel the chaotic thunder, then the sun can’t come out. It will stay in hiding for days until the thunderbolts of doubt are seen, felt, accepted and released. Once I told my friend Amy that I felt sad, but I hated having that feeling. She reminded me that when I’m happy, I don’t judge that feeling, so why is sad different? The difference is the powerful advertising from our Inner Critic.
Luckily, I am revisiting a collage created on the theme “Standing in My Own Space in This World” – that I also call Toilet Man because he reminds me to flush when the critic starts yapping. I used to think that this collage meant to stand up for myself only externally. But the most important place to stand up for ourselves is internally, so we can protect the dream that lives in our heart.
When you hear the Inner Critic, you’ll want to notice what it’s saying, but not take its words personally. This means learning not to identify with this internal voice. I use the dominant hand, non-dominant hand technique outlined in Visioning, Ten Steps to Designing the Life of Your Dreams by Dr. Lucia Capacchione. This method allows me to hear the voice of the Inner Critic and feel where its energy lives in my body. In regards to creating a Visioning® collage, the critical voice may use phrases such as: “I’m sure, pictures from a magazine?” “This is a waste of time, you need to _____.”
The Inner Critic is really on our side, trying to take care of us by keeping us on the SAFE path – even if it’s not what our heart desires. In fact, the chaotic rumble of the Inner Critic gets louder as we move closer to our dream. Other ways that the critical voice often manifests is bodily pain such as headaches, fatigue, and depression. These body signals tell us that there are feelings that need to be expressed. In fact, Dr. Capacchione states that addictive behaviors are our way of muffling the voice of the Inner Critic.
Journaling the Inner Critic and talking back via an empowered, yet often disowned energy called The Inner Brat teaches me that these energies are separate from WHO I AM. As I work with these energies it becomes easier to notice and then turn off the critical voice. Ways I use to bring myself into balance after I’ve wrestled with the Inner Critic are The Jimmy Kimmel show, reading Dave Barry, daily affirmations from Abraham-Hicks.com and spending time each day doing what I LOVE.
You also have your ways of dispelling the Inner Critic. Please share them in the Comments section at the end of this Blog and let’s get a dialogue happening.
The world is in need of big dreams and the Visionaries brave enough to face the internal blocks that keep us from our calling. This means you.
May your journey to your dreams be filled with laughter,
Dorothy
To order Lucia’s book visioningcoach.org
To start a Visioning Group or have a Vision party in your home, contact me at dsegovia1@yahoo.com
Finally, hoorah for the Cafe Violette in Capitola, for standing up to its sloppy customers with snappy signage:
“Newsflash: Cafe Violette has trash cans – yes it’s true. So use them or suffer the wrath of the owner – you won’t like her when she’s mad. Use them or suffer the consequences.”
After my fabulous food, I asked about these consequences to see if I could get away with leaving my plate on the table: turns out that any offenders will be assigned to the midnight clean up shift. Yikes!
For a delicious, decadent meal that won’t dent your wallet – stop in at the Cafe Violette at 104 Stockton Avenue in Capitola Village. They’re open for breakfast, lunch and dinner – and feature locally made Marianne’s and Polar Bear ice cream.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Goodnight Kiss
Janet Fisher
Goodnight Kiss Music
Dear Janet,
I was blessed to participate in the March 31st Annual Songwriters Showcase at Britannia Arms in Aptos. The hand of the Big Songwriter in the sky was definitely present as songwriter after fabulous songwriter went up to the mic.
I am proud to say that I was one of them.
When I read your eloquent letter to the songwriters, I found what I came for because your letter reads like a benediction.
If I start my story in the middle it reads something like this:
In 1993 I wrote my 2nd song and decided to become the next Joan Baez. It took 10 years but I made it to the 4-hour gig slot – playing 90% originals at a place called The Network in San Luis Obispo. With an hour to go, I was eating a sandwich on the stage steps thinking,
“Gee, down to the schlock songs and only two tables here. I guess I’ll have to…”
But then a more powerful thought took over.
“Like hell you are. This table is just sitting down and you may know you have been here for 3 hours but they do not. So get back up on that stage and play balls out…”
except with swear words.
After the gig, the man from the table asked about the CD I was selling. He bought one and gave me a folded bill. He said that it was for me, not the CD Project. Turns out he gave me a 100 dollar tip.
I meant to tell you a different story. About how I gave up songwriting because I thought I wasn’t successful and I was so tired of lugging equipment and how I always wanted to go back to school anyway and I did graduate from Antioch and I learned to give speeches and co-edit a magazine.
But what meant the most about that time was finding my way back to the songs.
After Tuesday’s showcase, I read my excellent feedback from one judge that was along the lines of “Write about love you lost – you can do that can’t you?” On the drive home I heard the song fire off in my head.
I’m going back to Britannia Arms on April 14 to play my new song.
It’s hard to say what inspired me the most: your letter, the supportive atmosphere, the judge’s comments or Eric, the sound engineer from MARS Studios who told me that I was ‘never going to give up’ – except with swear words.
You know I’m kidding about the swear words.
In any case, THANK YOU.
Please say hello to Patys Restaurant. I miss Toluca Lake sometimes. It’s where I first picked up the guitar.
May you and Goodnight Kiss Music be joyfully prosperous,
Dorothy
The Songwriter Showcase at Britannia Arms is every Tuesday between now and April 30. The show starts at 7pm. Arrive early to enjoy great ale and yummy food.
I’m playing again for a slot in the finals: April 14 at 7:30pm
SO COME ON DOWN!
Visit MARS Studios for the annual Showcase details, to tour the studio, or wave hello to Eric Bates, the sound engineer who is now famous because of this blog.
To read Janet’s Song Critique Checklist or sign up for the newsletter click Goodnight Kiss Music
Download The Odyssey, Antioch University Santa Barbara’s literary magazine that I co-edited with Rita Traner-McDermott.
Finally, if you are in SLO County this weekend – check out singer/songwriter/guitarist Amanda West – she playing at different venues throughout the county Friday, Saturday and Sunday – then she’s in Monterey. If you can’t see her in person – listen to her music! Be sure to tell her Dot says hello!
Goodnight Kiss Music
Dear Janet,
I was blessed to participate in the March 31st Annual Songwriters Showcase at Britannia Arms in Aptos. The hand of the Big Songwriter in the sky was definitely present as songwriter after fabulous songwriter went up to the mic.
I am proud to say that I was one of them.
When I read your eloquent letter to the songwriters, I found what I came for because your letter reads like a benediction.
If I start my story in the middle it reads something like this:
In 1993 I wrote my 2nd song and decided to become the next Joan Baez. It took 10 years but I made it to the 4-hour gig slot – playing 90% originals at a place called The Network in San Luis Obispo. With an hour to go, I was eating a sandwich on the stage steps thinking,
“Gee, down to the schlock songs and only two tables here. I guess I’ll have to…”
But then a more powerful thought took over.
“Like hell you are. This table is just sitting down and you may know you have been here for 3 hours but they do not. So get back up on that stage and play balls out…”
except with swear words.
After the gig, the man from the table asked about the CD I was selling. He bought one and gave me a folded bill. He said that it was for me, not the CD Project. Turns out he gave me a 100 dollar tip.
I meant to tell you a different story. About how I gave up songwriting because I thought I wasn’t successful and I was so tired of lugging equipment and how I always wanted to go back to school anyway and I did graduate from Antioch and I learned to give speeches and co-edit a magazine.
But what meant the most about that time was finding my way back to the songs.
After Tuesday’s showcase, I read my excellent feedback from one judge that was along the lines of “Write about love you lost – you can do that can’t you?” On the drive home I heard the song fire off in my head.
I’m going back to Britannia Arms on April 14 to play my new song.
It’s hard to say what inspired me the most: your letter, the supportive atmosphere, the judge’s comments or Eric, the sound engineer from MARS Studios who told me that I was ‘never going to give up’ – except with swear words.
You know I’m kidding about the swear words.
In any case, THANK YOU.
Please say hello to Patys Restaurant. I miss Toluca Lake sometimes. It’s where I first picked up the guitar.
May you and Goodnight Kiss Music be joyfully prosperous,
Dorothy
The Songwriter Showcase at Britannia Arms is every Tuesday between now and April 30. The show starts at 7pm. Arrive early to enjoy great ale and yummy food.
I’m playing again for a slot in the finals: April 14 at 7:30pm
SO COME ON DOWN!
Visit MARS Studios for the annual Showcase details, to tour the studio, or wave hello to Eric Bates, the sound engineer who is now famous because of this blog.
To read Janet’s Song Critique Checklist or sign up for the newsletter click Goodnight Kiss Music
Download The Odyssey, Antioch University Santa Barbara’s literary magazine that I co-edited with Rita Traner-McDermott.
Finally, if you are in SLO County this weekend – check out singer/songwriter/guitarist Amanda West – she playing at different venues throughout the county Friday, Saturday and Sunday – then she’s in Monterey. If you can’t see her in person – listen to her music! Be sure to tell her Dot says hello!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Prosperity is FUN!
I just joined a prosperity circle at Inner Light Ministries based on Maria Nemeth’s book, The Energy of Money. Any unexpected income over the 9 week class and we tithe 10 percent to Inner Light. Today I got a 50.00 tax stimulus when I went to my mailbox. So exciting! I’m happily tithing my $5 for a cool $45 in my pocket.
At Monday’s meeting, I donated a total $6.00. The day after last week’s class I received a $10 gift card. My first thought about opening the mail that day was “Dang! I wish I picked up my mail before the class stared! I could have saved a bundle.’
Hey, a buck is a buck. I didn’t used to feel this way about money. In fact, I’ve spent most of my days in a serious lack attack. That means instead of being focused on what I have and appreciating it – I’ve been bummed that I didn’t have more.
More what? Well, my current Wish List includes:
a digital camera, a scanner, a bed from Monterey Mattress Company, a covered laundry basket, music stand for my electric guitar, studio recording time, money for a marketing consultant, a tailor for a skirt and pants that I need to try on first – in case they don’t fit – which means I’ll save another bundle, my own house, furniture for the house, a gardener for the house, a new car for the carport…..
While I say YES to all of the above, on my walk home I decided to say YES to myself. That means that on my walk home I mentally spent my $45 a million different times.
Turns out this is exactly what Esther and Jerry Hicks talk about in the Money and Law of Attraction book/CD combo. Getting into the feeling space of mentally spending the money actually opens up the prosperity flow. The reason is because while we are mentally shopping in our heads we create a positive vibration that attracts more money (and love, health, joy) like a magnet.
Problems with money occur when I forget that the point is to be focused on what makes me feel good rather than spending the money. Actually, I had more fun mentally deciding which bank account to stash the $45 than spending it. Even though I was walking past Trader Joes!!!!
I am learning how to save. And the collage that is speaks to me now was created in 2005. The bottom sentence in particular stands out.
“With compulsive borrowing, treat the self-esteem deficit and the debt will take care of itself.”
At Monday’s meeting, I donated a total $6.00. The day after last week’s class I received a $10 gift card. My first thought about opening the mail that day was “Dang! I wish I picked up my mail before the class stared! I could have saved a bundle.’
Hey, a buck is a buck. I didn’t used to feel this way about money. In fact, I’ve spent most of my days in a serious lack attack. That means instead of being focused on what I have and appreciating it – I’ve been bummed that I didn’t have more.
More what? Well, my current Wish List includes:
a digital camera, a scanner, a bed from Monterey Mattress Company, a covered laundry basket, music stand for my electric guitar, studio recording time, money for a marketing consultant, a tailor for a skirt and pants that I need to try on first – in case they don’t fit – which means I’ll save another bundle, my own house, furniture for the house, a gardener for the house, a new car for the carport…..
While I say YES to all of the above, on my walk home I decided to say YES to myself. That means that on my walk home I mentally spent my $45 a million different times.
Turns out this is exactly what Esther and Jerry Hicks talk about in the Money and Law of Attraction book/CD combo. Getting into the feeling space of mentally spending the money actually opens up the prosperity flow. The reason is because while we are mentally shopping in our heads we create a positive vibration that attracts more money (and love, health, joy) like a magnet.
Problems with money occur when I forget that the point is to be focused on what makes me feel good rather than spending the money. Actually, I had more fun mentally deciding which bank account to stash the $45 than spending it. Even though I was walking past Trader Joes!!!!
I am learning how to save. And the collage that is speaks to me now was created in 2005. The bottom sentence in particular stands out.
“With compulsive borrowing, treat the self-esteem deficit and the debt will take care of itself.”
One of the homework questions in The Energy of Money was “What is the first time you lost money?” I don’t remember that but I do remember my first debt. It was at a swap meet and my older brothers and sister were there selling stuff. I had some albums to sell and unfortunately went window shopping. I came back to borrow a couple bucks from my brother Joe who gleefully announced that it was still morning and that I was already in the hole.
What did I buy? A purse! A little green plastic purse and I’ve been debting (and buying purses) ever since. Take a moment to find the Dooney and Bourke handbag in the collage below.
So, while I am so looking forward to paying cash for my Vision of A Purse that I’ll find at some groovy recycled shop OR EVEN paying full price at some swank shop in New York – I’ll have FUN thinking about what I’m going to put IN THE BAG (and what I’ll be wearing, and who I’m in New York with and where we are going for dinner and my fabulous career that affords such a lifestyle and the fabulous man who….) which makes the actual bag literally just a fun feeling target.
I’m not saying that spending money is not okay but I have learned that I have often spent money as a way to feel good: when feeling good takes mental energy, not money energy.
So, the moral of this story is when you feel scared about money, then find a way to mentally feel good about money or think about something else.
May all of your mental trips leave you feeling healthy and happy.
Love Dot
PS: Speaking of shopping – there are limited “Mulukuku CD Project” compilation benefit CDs left. This is a benefit CD I produced with proceeds going to the Maria Luisa Women’s Center and Medical Clinic.
Click here www.writeinside.com/pages/mulukukcd to listen to song clips of the 17 FAB musicians who contributed.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Happy Birthday, Dad!
One of my favorite activities is drinking wine while watching exercise DVDs. It’s a very powerful and energizing way to do nothing. Actually, I’m just listening to the DVD because I can’t figure out how to have a small DVD window at the same time that I type.
Today is St. Patrick’s Day and celebrations are in order especially since its Dad’s birthday. The only problem is that Dad died in 1994. So, how do I let my body take the ‘I miss Dad’ hit and still feel good?
This is where the wine comes in.
Sundays when I lived in Pasadena, I’d drive down the 10 freeway to Dad’s place. After I played my latest songs on my guitar, Dad and I would pop a tall Bud, read the paper, watch tennis on TV and grunt answers to each others questions. Once a couple of bath-robed old ladies nearly came to blows over a Cadillac parked sideways across three of four parking spaces. Dad had to settle things down. He ignored the argument as long as he possibly could, but kept looking over his bifocals, then through the Venetian blinds all while glancing wistfully at the television.
“Awww, nuts,” he mumbled as he crushed out his smoke and donned his navy blue beaked cap. Gleefully, I kneeled on the chair and peeked as he walked into the melee. Being the assistant manager of the senior complex, he took charge and pulled out the small notebook that he kept in his shirt pocket. He took notes as each of the ladies took her turn. I tried to figure out which one was the Cadillac driver, but apparently it was neither. Both were just arguing about the best way to punish the driver.
(I actually have no idea if the last two sentences are true – but wouldn’t it be hilarious if it was?)
I miss those Dad days. And I’d like to someday learn how to not be sad on Dad’s birthday, but it’s not today. This blog, I’m leaving you with one of my favorite Dad stories that I wrote for a creative writing class. I can hear Tracy York, the SHAPE your abs instructor calling out “pony to the left.” This I’ve got to see.
Happy Birthday, Dad. Yes, I am still writing.
Love,
Dorothy
Creative Non-Fiction piece for Antioch Santa Barbara:
No Dad.
I am where we are supposed to meet, but no Dad. I try not to take it personally, but it is hot. In an effort not to cry, I get pissed instead. We are supposed to meet at the Main Gate of Santa Anita Race Track. In two hours, I’ve learned how to use the betting machine, met a cool guy, and drank one warm beer. At home I call to find out what happened. “I was there at the Main Gate,” he said. “Which Main Gate?” I holler over the phone. He doesn’t like to wear his hearing aid. “The Main Gate at the front entrance.” “Okay, let’s try it again next Saturday. How’s jury duty?” “Jewelry? What jewelry?” “Never mind, see you next week at the Main Gate.” “Don’t forget to bring your camera” he yells and hangs up.
Now it’s the next Saturday. No Dad. I am where we are supposed to meet, but no Dad. I race to the infield gates then back to the Main Gates. I’m early but I still can’t find him. Finally, in desperation, I ask an attendant where the Main Gate is. He looks at me like I’m crazy but this time I am determined to find my father. I think about how smart Dad is. I think about how much he loves kindness and music and art but that it is our secret because I am the only one who visits. When I was younger, I’d blame Mom for this because she used to call him a liar. Okay, one for sure lie that I know about was the time he said that he was going to night school and instead went to the bar for an entire semester. But still, that has nothing to do with this Main Gate.
I ask the attendant “is there a gate for people who take the city bus?” He points to a mere break in the fence, so narrow that a child, much less a grown man, could never squeeze through, even if he wanted to. There is a small chain link across the opening and I notice the rickety wire gate. As I rush forward, I become 12 years old and jam my nose through one of the wire links. There, sitting on top of a picnic table smoking, is my father. In spite of the heat, he is wearing his gray polyester blend slacks from the Blair catalog, his straw hat. His coat is folded neatly over his arm. He looks up and butts out his Lucky Strike. Smiling, he walks through the gate to me.
(PS: Dad was bummed that he didn’t get chosen for jury duty. It was a murder trial and Dad said that he told them, “They should hang ‘em, if he’s the one who did it, that’s what they should do.”)
To read my article called Bus People, visit: www.writeinside.com/writings
Dot
Today is St. Patrick’s Day and celebrations are in order especially since its Dad’s birthday. The only problem is that Dad died in 1994. So, how do I let my body take the ‘I miss Dad’ hit and still feel good?
This is where the wine comes in.
Sundays when I lived in Pasadena, I’d drive down the 10 freeway to Dad’s place. After I played my latest songs on my guitar, Dad and I would pop a tall Bud, read the paper, watch tennis on TV and grunt answers to each others questions. Once a couple of bath-robed old ladies nearly came to blows over a Cadillac parked sideways across three of four parking spaces. Dad had to settle things down. He ignored the argument as long as he possibly could, but kept looking over his bifocals, then through the Venetian blinds all while glancing wistfully at the television.
“Awww, nuts,” he mumbled as he crushed out his smoke and donned his navy blue beaked cap. Gleefully, I kneeled on the chair and peeked as he walked into the melee. Being the assistant manager of the senior complex, he took charge and pulled out the small notebook that he kept in his shirt pocket. He took notes as each of the ladies took her turn. I tried to figure out which one was the Cadillac driver, but apparently it was neither. Both were just arguing about the best way to punish the driver.
(I actually have no idea if the last two sentences are true – but wouldn’t it be hilarious if it was?)
I miss those Dad days. And I’d like to someday learn how to not be sad on Dad’s birthday, but it’s not today. This blog, I’m leaving you with one of my favorite Dad stories that I wrote for a creative writing class. I can hear Tracy York, the SHAPE your abs instructor calling out “pony to the left.” This I’ve got to see.
Happy Birthday, Dad. Yes, I am still writing.
Love,
Dorothy
Creative Non-Fiction piece for Antioch Santa Barbara:
No Dad.
I am where we are supposed to meet, but no Dad. I try not to take it personally, but it is hot. In an effort not to cry, I get pissed instead. We are supposed to meet at the Main Gate of Santa Anita Race Track. In two hours, I’ve learned how to use the betting machine, met a cool guy, and drank one warm beer. At home I call to find out what happened. “I was there at the Main Gate,” he said. “Which Main Gate?” I holler over the phone. He doesn’t like to wear his hearing aid. “The Main Gate at the front entrance.” “Okay, let’s try it again next Saturday. How’s jury duty?” “Jewelry? What jewelry?” “Never mind, see you next week at the Main Gate.” “Don’t forget to bring your camera” he yells and hangs up.
Now it’s the next Saturday. No Dad. I am where we are supposed to meet, but no Dad. I race to the infield gates then back to the Main Gates. I’m early but I still can’t find him. Finally, in desperation, I ask an attendant where the Main Gate is. He looks at me like I’m crazy but this time I am determined to find my father. I think about how smart Dad is. I think about how much he loves kindness and music and art but that it is our secret because I am the only one who visits. When I was younger, I’d blame Mom for this because she used to call him a liar. Okay, one for sure lie that I know about was the time he said that he was going to night school and instead went to the bar for an entire semester. But still, that has nothing to do with this Main Gate.
I ask the attendant “is there a gate for people who take the city bus?” He points to a mere break in the fence, so narrow that a child, much less a grown man, could never squeeze through, even if he wanted to. There is a small chain link across the opening and I notice the rickety wire gate. As I rush forward, I become 12 years old and jam my nose through one of the wire links. There, sitting on top of a picnic table smoking, is my father. In spite of the heat, he is wearing his gray polyester blend slacks from the Blair catalog, his straw hat. His coat is folded neatly over his arm. He looks up and butts out his Lucky Strike. Smiling, he walks through the gate to me.
(PS: Dad was bummed that he didn’t get chosen for jury duty. It was a murder trial and Dad said that he told them, “They should hang ‘em, if he’s the one who did it, that’s what they should do.”)
To read my article called Bus People, visit: www.writeinside.com/writings
Dot
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