Happy Holy Days

I'm setting up my Christmas tree and thinking about Christmas past.
I have my tea, tunes and a couple of gifts to wrap. I feel pretty happy.

Being happy and solo at Christmas can be challenging: especially when I pay more attention to outside expectations than to my inside feelings. ❤

I've been doing the holidays solo for a lot of years.  I've learned that honoring the wide range of feelings that occur around this emotionally charged season is my gift to myself. 

This means...

• navigating lonely when holiday cards with family photos show up in my mailbox.
• making fun plans with friends.
• setting up the Pic n Save tree from my 1st apartment
• putting a Santa hat on the doll Mom made when I was 5. 

Christmas 2015

The holidays mean my tradition of laughing/crying/laughing over the photos of Christmas past. This photo collage is from last year's trip to Carpinteria with my brother Joe (red jacket), my solo trip to the Santa Barbara museum and a January party for my pal Brian's 50th. 

 Reminiscing is grounding. It helps me realize that everything changes. I don't know where I'm going to be next Christmas, but I do know this

 I'm going to spend my time following my joy, wherever it leads.

 

In the spirit of all that is holy and lovely, Happy Holidays from my family to yours.

  

Extreme Pet-sitting

December 19, 2103.

Yesterday I finally accepted my busy future fate and surrendered to one 40-hour per week job (starts January 16) plus two part-time jobs. For the past week I had flung myself around the house in full martyr mode, bemoaning my fate. I had called four friends trying to gain sympathy, but no dice. Each one talked about a time in their life that was extremely busy. All four were positive and saying peppy things like, “I worked six days a week for three years because I wanted to build my retirement,” “Well, I have to work hard during the busy season,” “Make hay while the sun shines,” and "I was so busy working that I didn't have time to spend money."

Fine.

Once I got over myself, I decided to work in the main house where there is an Internet connection. (I am caretaker at a ranch that is for sale and live in the cozy detached guest house.) I opened the door and saw five cows grazing on the pristine lawn in front of the house. They were escapees from the neighboring ranch. I set down my computer and rushed toward them, clapping and shooing. The last cow stood still, looking at me with bovine indifference. As I herded them up a small slope I quietly told them how much happier they'd be once they were home with their other cow friends. They moved up the slope and I scooted by them and opened the gate. I waved my arms in a forward sweeping motion. They didn't budge. I climbed the hill behind them and rushed at them again clapping and shouting. All five scurried neatly through the gate.

I call this extreme pet-sitting.

This happened 10 days ago. Finally I trust that I am headed the right way into a full working life. I see my Higher Power standing ahead of me, coaxing me forward. This is the big difference between how my HP does things and how I do things. My HP coaxes me, I herd myself. My HP stands a few yards ahead of me, waving me on.  I stall and try to garner sympathy from friends and waste time gnashing my teeth, drinking a little too much wine and watching too many TV series, but so what? 

My question is: how do I stay awake during this process? How do I take my poetry heart, which requires vast empty space and keep it open as I move through my very scheduled days? One step here. One breath there. I don't always feel that happy about where I am being led, but by now, I trust where I am being led.

http://www.ecouterre.com/maryland-scientists...

This season I've had to forgo lots of holiday events in order to take care of myself as I juggle three part-time jobs. (I still am slightly worried about my writing time when one of the jobs gratefully goes full-time.) I've been happy to stay home with two pet-sitting charges: a dog named Sammy and a cat named Jimmy, both female. We hang out in my snuggly room with my Pic N' Sav tree and listen to Xmas music. I love Xmas music. On Xmas morning I lit the wood stove and danced in the kitchen to a Xmas mix I created in 2008.

Recently, while I was watching Downton Abbey in my room, I felt my HP calling me inside the big house. I searched for lights left on, water running then I thought a work-related phone call would be returned. Instead I looked out the large kitchen window and saw a rainbow. I stepped outside onto the patio. One end was bright, shimmery, yet subtle and seemingly anchored to the earth. I walked down into the field for a better look. The center of the rainbow was pale, barely perceptible as it arched over the orange groves like a gentle, sweet promise and disappeared behind the hills to the east.

Believing means Feeling

My fav Christmas decoration in my new home is a sign that reads “We believe in Santa Claus.” Okay, so I’m a closet Hallmark holiday movie addict, but hey, I need the believing practice.

Once the business of moving and surrendering to fact that “there will be traffic,” the initial excitement of newness wore off. That is, it was time to start the job hunt.

This can be a daunting experience because I like feeling good – while looking for work. That means batting away phrases such as “the economy”, “yes, but that was Santa Barbara pay – in 2008” and “Windows XP?”

So begins the believing game.

First, I choose a random job on my resume and write down everything that I liked about it. This includes funny incidents, new skills and the people I drove nuts. This helps me trust in my skills and often uncovers new items to add to the resume.

Next, I imagine I’m telling my friend about my great new job. I’ll even write a letter that I don’t send, describing the feeling of excitement, the outfit I wore and most especially, the PURSE.

Notice the word feeling.

Regardless of the positivity of any mantra, affirmation or prayer, if you can’t feel the result of what you want, then the going will be daunting indeed.

I’ve been here since November 1st, am interviewing with my 9th staffing service today – and I still find my self having to journal through old beliefs and stories that keep me from feeling worthy. On those days, I do basic legwork. Making lists of agencies I haven’t signed up with, emailing my self jobs from Craigslist and searching for cool companies on the Internet.

And I try, try, try not to launch a resume until I’m feeling the satisfaction of “finding great work that uses all my skills in a terrific environment, with excellent pay.”

This season, figure out what you want, write down why you want it, add some cheesy holiday music and give your self a congratulations hug from me. Repeat, practice and enjoy.

So tell me, what do you want from Santa?

Breathing Through the Holidays

Last month I left you with a Vision collage of my Santa Cruz life. Once the collage is made, the next phase is working with each of the images. This is done in a variety of ways. One way is to reflect on a collage image.

I use these methods daily as my spiritual practice: that is, I stop to quiet myself and listen to my Self. Collage images are our internal images glued down on paper. Right brain exercises refocus my energy if I’m overwhelmed by my To Do list. Taking several breaks throughout the day also reminds me that I am a human being, not a human doer. As I move through my tasks, I typically get more head focused. Right brain processes move us back into our bodies, or the present. The body is also the place that stores our emotional history. This premise is the crux of this work.

For example, I made a decision to spend the month of December at my mother’s home. Though I have been looking forward to spending time with family, as December grew closer I felt myself growing anxious. For many of us, regardless of age or worldly accomplishments, when we enter the familial home we are suddenly wearing our childhood play clothes. If we have not processed childhood incidents through healing modalities, then the role we played in childhood is instantly activated. Emotional memory is stored in our body, literally. That is, our child self can be activated simply by being around the people and environment of our childhood. As adults our job is to be AWARE of our internal hurts - which is also known as the Inner Child* - and to heal or release this pain. If the pain energy feels overwhelming, then we can ask for help.

Gratefully my collage has an image that will help me manage my energy over the holidays. The first step after completing any Visioning® Board is to look at it 3 times a day for at least 15 minutes per session. This keeps the feeling of the image in our minds eye. Visioning® is about manifesting the feeling of what you want, although specific intentions will manifest as well.



One of the collage images is a photo of two swans. This symbolizes a park near my mother’s house where I often walk. It is important to note that when I was grabbing images that reflect the topic of the collage, “My Santa Cruz life is joyfully peaceful,” the process was extremely fast. I didn’t realize until the collage was finished that I can ground myself during the holidays by specifically walking at this park. Walking is my preferred method of exercise and this also reminds me to stick to my routine. One good surprise of following this image is that I was given tickets to a Christmas play from someone at the park.

Moving our emotions through physical activity is important because it grounds emotional energy. The image also tells me that during the holidays walking is a way to channel any reactionary feelings activated by visiting family. During the often stressful holidays – this is good to remember. Feeling edgy by a brother-in-law? Instead of telling him to jump in the lake, walk around the lake instead. Want to yell at your sister for forgetting that you are a vegetarian - again? Run to the restroom and do a little jig. Look in the mirror. Hug yourself. Tell yourself how fabulous you look. Breathe.

This holiday use your breath to soothe the hurt that statements by your brother in-law activated. These hurts are activated because they need our tenderness. They need the breath of life to be brought fully into the light and released. Fortunately, the holidays are the time when we can resolve our painful past. I say fortunately because being human, we need pain to show us what feelings need to be transformed. Reactionary pain is our reminder to transform the past into our joyful present. So this holiday, use your breath to move through reactionary feelings and give yourself and your family the gift of your loving presence.

Happy Holidays and many blessings to you and yours,

Dorothy

*For a terrific book regarding Inner Child and Inner Family work read
Recovery of Your Inner Child by Lucia Capacchione: http://www.luciac.com/