Vacation Diver

I'm busier than ever, working full-time and hanging out with my creative trifecta: writing, music and visioning.

But hey, it's spring and time for friends and wine, and the new episode of Nashville is next week. The only way to stay calm is to DO less and DOWNLOAD more.

Downloading is the voice with the answer that lands in your belly on the way to work, when you first wake, or maybe its 2am--and you just know.

Because I practice the morning pages---first thing---I'm able to write some of the download info: "name it Anatomy of a Vision Board," and "text Leyla," and all sorts of wondrous whisperings that I have forgotten already. But they have been captured in my body to be remembered as needed.

Downloading answers saves all kinds of worry, hurry and drama. Heeding my own quiet voice leaves more time to be a vacation diver: diving into the adventurous moment and leaving planning for sleep.

Vacation Diver: Say Yes, Soul Collage.

Heart Agenda

It's the second Monday of the month and I'm up an hour early. I've already had tea and wrote my 3 morning pages. My next step is to review my weekly appointment book. I like to balance fun stuff---Soul Collage on Wednesday---with a few simple To Do's. 

Hoping I won't just be transcribing last week's To Do list. 

Next, I'll trick myself into exercising by adding two yoga appointment times to the calendar...in pencil. 

Each week it's the same process: creating a loose roadmap in the direction I want to go. And I'm always aiming for a light-hearted, expansive feeling.

I used to struggle to get things done. Note "trick myself into exercising." But I've learned that if I simply move toward a feeling that I want, rather than a goal such as getting into shape, the To Do list takes care of itself. 

Heart Agenda. Collage from 5/3/15. 

Intention

I have a beautiful white comforter on my bed. When I write or read in the morning, I put a cover over it to protect it from pen marks, tea stains. Despite all of my efforts, stains happen. The first blemish is a tiny lipstick mark on the underside. After cleaning up there was still a faint smudge and I felt frustrated. Several days later I rarely thought of the stain at all. In order to find it again, I will have to put on my glasses and seek it out: a tiny smear of pale pink against a sea of crispy white. 

Focusing on my mistakes is similar. I have to stop what I am doing and search out the blemish--just so I can feel bad all over again. In the spirit of self-preservation, I will focus on the clear expanse of cozy comforter instead.

Goleta Pier: Photo background, 1. Day appreciation, 10. 

This year, my intention is to observe and appreciate all that is right in my life.

Showing Up

In two weeks I will be on a plane to Germany. When I bought my ticket about a month after my mother died, I didn’t feel like going. But I trusted my long held desire to visit my friend Gabriele-- and away I go!

This past June Gabi said she was planning her on her own vacay. She would be visiting with me a few days, but I wasn’t sure how many. I was figuring close to a week, turns out it’s going to be four. I had also hoped to visit with my niece Charity who planned to be working in a town close to Munich. But Charity’s job ended. She returned to Colorado in July.

After Gabi’s recent confirming email that on day five of a two-week trip I’ll be on my own at her apartment in Munich, I laughed. So much for planning! Then I followed my latest impulse.

For some reason I’d been thinking of Dusseldorf for the past couple months. The city is now on my itinerary and I have several new connections who live in, or who have lived, in that lovely city on the Rhine.

So, while I do have several fun things in mind: museums, Salzberg, and a 4-hour English speaking pub-crawl tour, I’m really just intending on showing up with a super tasty travel purse.

But that’s in two weeks. Today is Saturday. Tonight I’m meeting a pal at Castoro Cellars Winery for a three-band concert. But that’s tonight.

That leaves me with today. Today I might play the guitar, sit in the sun, or go downtown. Today I might read my new book by Patricia Ryan Madson called Improv Wisdom:Don’t Prepare, Just Show Up,

or not.

Now, right now, what is inspiring your life today?

Stabbed in My Happy Heart

A couple of weeks ago, while sorting through my non-dominant hand (NDH) drawings created over the past year, I came to this soothing realization: I’ve felt like shit plenty of times before and I am still here.

Last month I started one-on-one grief counseling sessions at the hospice center. Counseling was recommended by a friend who said that since my mother’s death on March 27th my face has looked tight; I’ve been angry.

Last month I experienced mornings of waking up and forgetting for 5 minutes that my mother died.

After writing my 3-morning pages, I sat in front of my current collage and journaled with the Watch Image, though the answer seemed obvious.

Collage Detail: I Want to be A Published Author

“It’s my time. What do I want to do with my time?”

I want to be enjoy myself, I thought. And I know enjoyment is easier when I allow myself to express all of me. 

This is different than my usual belief of "if I'm not feeling positively fabulous all of the time, then something is wrong."

It's time to set myself free from this silly, repetitive habit of thought, that actually makes me feel much worse than crying when it's time to cry; and laughing at the latest Dave Barry essay.

So, just for today, I allow myself to be stabbed in my happy heart.

Dorothy Segovia is the author of My Body, My Car: How to Coach Yourself Through Life's little Accidents. For more info on how collage and Creative Journaling can help you express, visit www.writeinside.com. To learn how 3-part collages can help you unleash the creative solution to any obstacle, visit Dorothy's Visioning(R) post.

My Joy is Your Joy

It is 1 month and 6 days since Mom died. The funeral with the cemetery burial and gathering at the home is done. I have alternately been okay, yet not. My mind plays a continuous loop of "Mom died, Mom died, Mom died, Mom died," 24/7.

By day, I bury the grief mantra with a busy day job combined with Lyle Lovett tunes on my iPod. By night, I run errands and binge watch the 6th season of Private Practice on Hulu, and nosh on popcorn, cheese-puffs, gummy bears and Big Macs. It is my spiritual practice to limit wine at home.

I know this time will not last long; I don't pretend that this is the first time I am giving myself a break by chowing down my feelings, or tuning them out.

But feelings are different than a looped thought tape announcing "Mom died."

For several days after Mom first passed, I was overwhelmed with waves of complete joy. I decided this was Mom, and that she had returned to her happy Self before her long, slow decline.

"I want to be a published author" collage. 1.28.15

As an expressive arts teacher, I keep myself in tune by having a Vision board on standby. My theme for the year is "I am a published author" which was created in January. Four days after my mother died, this is the dominant hand/non-dominant hand conversation with the image of the Masked Woman. At the time I created the collage, I had no idea why I picked this image. (When selecting images for a themed vision board, the rule is to initially "grab what grabs you" and to allow the sorting / arranging/ gluing steps to determine what stays on the board.) 

3/31/15

DH: Dear Masked Woman, who are you?

NDH: I am a sub-personality of grief and mourning and weeping.

Masked Woman detail.

DH: How do you feel?

NDH: Honored.

DH: Why?

NDH: Because you give time and ceremony to me.  You are a healer woman.

DH: What do you want me to do?

NDH: Let me out when it is time and know that my joy is your joy and that happiness does not dishonor the grieving process at all.

DH: Thank you.

Making time for all of our feelings honors all parts of ourselves. Taking time to create art gives us room to catch our breath, catch up to our bodies and know that "all is well, everything is well, and all good manner of things, shall be well." 

Be Your Own Dog

I'm a blessed woman. I get to live in the SUPER cool town of Paso Robles, and when I do overnight pet-sitting, I live in other groovy places like Morro Bay, Cayucos, Los Osos, and San Luis Obispo.

Having completed my latest San Luis Obispo pet-sit for two dogs (Nikki and Max) and one cat (Gabbi), I've come to the frightening realization that I take care of animals better than I do myself.

Here's what I mean: when I live alone and have to commute to work, I barely have time to guzzle a cup of caffeine and scribble Morning Pages. I often rush in to work late with my hair soaking wet, no make-up and an uninspired outfit.

Max

However, when I pet-sit 3 animals, I somehow have time before work to carry Max up the stairs to the back patio so he can take a pee-walk down the planters to the kitchen; let Nikki out the front door so she can race around the driveway, then saunter through the bushes in search of the perfect place for Number Two before racing to the back door to meet Max. While they are eating I find Gabbi, give her brushes, coos and fresh water, change into walking clothes then  head back out the door with Nikki for a hike up a hill so she can do a second Number Two in the bushes and not on the living room floor.  I even manage to write Morning Pages, eat breakfast and pack a lunch while the dogs are eating.

Nikki

Granted, my commute is a half-hour shorter, but why do I take care of myself better when I'm pet-sitting than when I'm alone?

I think it's cause I've left all my busy-ness at home.  But now I am making the commitment to being my own dog.

Being my own dog means I write Morning Pages, and then decide what kind of body movement I have time for. Sometimes it's a walk. Sometimes its a few yoga poses. Moving definitely feels a lot better than reading emails, or opening mail.

Yes, I still love getting things done, but the day flows more joyfully when I take the time to take care of my self first.

Gabbi