It is 1 month and 6 days since Mom died. The funeral
with the cemetery burial and gathering at the home is done. I have alternately
been okay, yet not. My mind plays a continuous loop of "Mom died, Mom died,
Mom died, Mom died," 24/7.
By day,
I bury the grief mantra with a busy day job combined with Lyle Lovett tunes on
my iPod. By night, I run errands and binge watch the 6th season of Private Practice on Hulu, and
nosh on popcorn, cheese-puffs, gummy bears and Big Macs. It is my spiritual
practice to limit wine at home.
I know this time will not last long; I don't pretend that
this is the first time I am giving myself a break by chowing down my feelings,
or tuning them out.
But feelings are different than a looped thought tape
announcing "Mom died."
For several days after Mom first passed, I was overwhelmed
with waves of complete joy. I decided this was Mom, and that she had returned
to her happy Self before her long, slow decline.
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| "I want to be a published author" collage. 1.28.15 |
As an expressive arts teacher, I keep myself in tune by
having a Vision board on standby. My theme for the year is "I am a
published author" which was created in January. Four days after my mother
died, this is the dominant hand/non-dominant hand conversation with the image
of the Masked Woman. At the time I created the collage, I had no idea why I
picked this image. (When selecting images for a themed vision board, the rule is to initially "grab what grabs you" and to allow the sorting / arranging/ gluing steps to determine what stays on the board.)
3/31/15
DH: Dear Masked Woman, who are you?
NDH: I am a sub-personality of grief and mourning and
weeping.
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| Masked Woman detail. |
DH: How do you feel?
NDH: Honored.
DH: Why?
NDH: Because you give time and ceremony to me. You are a healer woman.
DH: What do you want me to do?
NDH: Let me out when it is time and know that my joy is your
joy and that happiness does not dishonor the grieving process at all.
DH: Thank you.
Making time for all of our feelings honors all parts of ourselves. Taking time to create art gives us room to catch our breath, catch up to our bodies and know that "all is well, everything is well, and all good manner of things, shall be well."
